Release

Last night I was at Roy’s apartment again and we were at each other’s necks, like usual. He picked me up at the library and took me back to his dorm, but not before I showed him some porn I had downloaded and was promising to show him. He really liked it, I think. Especially West Michaels. I love West Michaels. He’s so gorgeous.

Before that I had been talking to Matt, and like usual I got into one of those spells of hopelessness that has been accompanying me and the struggle to lose some serious poundage for the summer holidays. I fuckin’ hate the way I look. I’m so ready for a change. So anyway I was talking to Matt and he was trying to help me out with some places that might be good, like Urban Outfitters, The Buckle, etc. And then I just suddenly got discouraged. I thought I wasn’t good enough for anything, or anybody, and that hurt. And Matt, God love him, he was there trying to help me every step of the way. I love talking to him so much…I don’t think I know a guy who’s been caring and understanding than he has…with exception of Roy, or William. So, Matt, if you’re reading this, thanks for everything. You’re such a sweet guy. I love you, baby.

This feeling persued me all the way back to Roy’s place, where I tried to keep quiet as much as possible and prevent him from feeling ill-at-ease. Roy had just gotten back from dinner with his parents, who had brought him a really ghetto computer with something like 20 gigs…and I was jealous like you would not believe! 20 fuckin’ gigs! The downside to this was that it was stuck somewhere back in Windows 3.0sville and so we have to upgrade it. I also promised Roy’s roomate Joe that I would bring my Roxio suite that Solaris gave to me–the $350.00 one–and Paul’s Chevelle ripped CD, and a couple of other things. I helped him set up the computer and Roy was really glad that I did what I could. But again he needs a new OS, I think God willing I might run down to G building this morning and pick up a pirated copy of Windows XP for me and him…

Roy got undressed–out of his ’straight clothes’ (he’s already told them that he is), into his cute little jammies and we talked for a while, on his bed. Then he noticed I guess a change of attitude when he talked about his first time with Danny and then he got mad. He took me outside and we had a talk. He told me about how he was able to pull his foreskin down and shit, but I guess I wasn’t in the mood to hear it, since it kinda was disgusting to think of him that way. But he noticed that I was obviously depressed about something, and that made him feel bad, since he said that he thought that all the things he was saying was making him depressed. I walked around a bit, looked up and then I started crying as he freaking confronted me. I don’t know what I’m so unhappy about… my looks, my personality, the fact that I’m probably going to remain here all my life… the fact that my foci and intentions are more on relationships with others rather than a constant relationship with myself… and I felt guilty for having dragged Roy through all of this, and making him feel self-conscious. It wasn’t right and I hated myself for making him go through that. The thing was I didn’t know what I was even crying about. It was so stupid, but at least Roy was there to listen. It happens inevitably, I think, when I go over there to see him. It makes him feel bad and we both end up feeling bad.

I think more than anything I’ll just be needing to change. Once I get my new clothes, and lose some weight, things will be okay. If not, there are therapists and counsuellors around here to talk to. Roy has put me on a diet and he’s restricting my limit of how much I eat. He’s also told me to stop going to the gym for muscle-building, and said it’s best that we focus now on something like Stacker 2 for weightloss. Last night I had my last cheeseburger of the month. Eating late at night is murder on the esophagus, and it can give one vivid dreams. It’s also bad for the metabolism, since you don’t really burn that much fat when you sleep. So I’ve done that. This morning I resolved to not take any whey protein, no more shakes, nothing like that.

So this ugly caterpillar is entering the chrysalis, and when he returns, he will be something more beautiful than he previously was. I hope and pray to Almighty God that He will guide me in this time of change, and commend my spirit to his ever-present presence.

I skipped class again.

I’m feeling terribly guilty this morning for two things: for one, I’m wearing a shirt that’s one size too big for me, but I’m actually starting to think that this size is fitting me more than the other one. It’s stupid, and I hate having gained all this weight since I stopped working out, but I’m feeling fat and I hate it. I seriously need to start hitting the gym again. I am determined to look nice and svelte for the summertime.

I’m also feeling guilty for not having gone to Colllege Algebra class like a good boy. The excuse? Simply for feeling too tired and lethargic to go. And also because I’m not looking good this morning. I don’t like the fact that I have to miss class because I don’t like the way I look. Listen to me, I’ve suddenly become so terribly self-centered. It’s interesting, you know? I’m so terrified of shopping. I’ve let myself go and I hate it. It’s all that junk food that I keep on ordering. I wonder how I’m going to fit into the clothes at the stores. The people there will probably laugh at me.

Anyway, I’m going to head over to Dr. Love’s house tonight for some R & R. I don’t expect much in the way of a warm invitation, since I’m so damn loud and he can act like a real jackass sometimes. I’m not too sure what to think or believe of him now. I sincerely don’t feel much when I talk to him, he’s just a nice guy. I’m paranoid as to the fact that maybe this little trip might be more for him than for me. I have too many interests.

Two very special guys have been on my mind lately. Eric and Matt. I haven’t talked to Matt all that much, but he was with me in spirit when I was over at my aunt’s house watching the American Idol finale. Fantasia won! As for Eric, this morning I had a dream that he and I were in bed together. God, Eric’s so damn hot, I want him so bad.

I need a cookie and a hug. I hope I’ll find clothes soon!

Moonglow

Last night I was at Roy’s place. We didn’t get to watch American Idol like I wanted, but we did get to talk a lot about what was pissing us off about life. And I went so far as to say that I was actually jealous of Roy and Danny’s relationship, because it’s lasted so long. We talked about a million other things, though, but I kept on returning to that over and over again, as if I couldn’t get off of the subject. I asked him for a picture of the two of them together, which I thought was just so endearing about it. If I had a boyfriend, that would be the first thing that I would do. I would take a really nice portrait of the two of us together. He and Danny are such a cute couple!

I’m not sure whether to feel guilty or not since I didn’t go to World Lit class this morning and see him. The thing is I’m bored pretty easily by that class, but I need to go to class more often. I admit I have been missing classes pretty freely, but on the other hand I haven’t been missing much, either. In exception of last Friday, there wasn’t really much I could do, since I wanted to spend time with Roy at his apartment. All of my other classes then could wait, since it was he that I wanted to spend all of my time with. He cares so much about me; it’s just something that I’m not used to…like last night he told me that he wants me to lose a few pounds (since I’ve gained so much weight recently) so that I can attract a few guys when we go clubbing soon. It’s laughable, me at the clubs (like I can ever get in the way I’m usually dressed), but it might actually work, you know?

Anyway we planned to go out shopping if I could lend about $200 bucks or something like that from Ma, promising to pay her back with the financial aid check that comes in the mail June 8. I’ve been promising him that we’ll go to all the nice shops in McAllen on the streetcar (since I don’t have a car) on like Saturday, but I already agreed with Mom that it would be more expedient to go when we actually have the money, viz., next week. It’s not so terribly bad, since I would rather have Roy have Danny over for the weekend, so they can be together once more.

So the thing for me he says, is to actually get my hair up, so that it doesn’t fall liberally on me like it usually does. That, and I need another haircut. So I think in about another couple of weeks I’ll be buying another bleach blonding kit and going to the lightest shade of blonde I possibly can. He wants me to stop wearing some of the less modish things I guess I’ve been more accustomed to wearing. He especially wants me to stop wearing red and blue up against each other. ‘Either you’re a Blood or a Crip!’ So anyway he’s thinking a LOT less blue, more greens, more really of things of a solid, tropical color scheme. Cool stuff. I feel like a fifteen year old girl.

He’s supposed to take me to this place called ‘Buckle’–although I’m not so terribly sure that they could possibly have things in whatever I’m used to, but Roy makes it sound that way. Of course there’s always the wholesalers like Marshall’s and whatnot, but I’ve been thinking of hitting the finer places like Foley’s and Marshall Fields. It’s been some time since I’ve set foot in a mall and I’m not sure if I’m ready for it. I’m glad Roy’s taking me out though (or rather me taking HIM out). It sure beats not talking much about this stuff to Will.

Harvey misses me. He told me so yesterday and the day before that, when he was sitting out in front of the LRC waiting to go home. Yvette was supposed to go pick him up but never got there, and Jesse had to work late. Since I was heading towards Roy’s place anyway, I asked him if he wanted to come along and give his sister a telephone call. The next day when I got around to asking him about what happened and how he got home, he said he stayed and waited for her until eight in the evening, literally, until the night-fall. Yesterday we saw each other again, spent some time with one another after class, until he went to the dorms for a J. He said that he missed hangin’ out with me like we used to, and that he liked my hair and everything. It’s so nice. God willing I’ll see him again soon.

Anyway, I’ve got to head out to get back Music for 18 Musicians from Roy’s place, which I left there last night.

Hopefully he’ll be in a better mood.

A sign of the impending apocalypse…

Yet another a sign that the world is coming to an end…

I saw this in my friend’s journal

1: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4. Write down what it says.
-From the Naxos record label catalogue: ‘Piano Sonata No. 13′

2: Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first?:
-The other little cubicle thingy I’m at

3: What is the last thing you watched on TV?:
-The Holy Land Rosary, on EWTN, at about six-thirty this morning.

4: WITHOUT LOOKING, guess what the time is:
-Umm, I think it’s somewhere around eleven-forty-five (FUCK! I cheated!)

5: Now look at the clock, what is the actual time?:
-Somewhere around eleven-forty-five (shakes head in shame).
6: With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?:
-”Intimo”, from Violin Sonata No. 4, by Brazilian composer ‘Mozart’ Camargo Guarnieri

7: When did you last step outside? what were you doing?:
-I was with Javier and we were looking for pot.

8: Before you came to this website, what did you look at?:
-Porn, my mailbox, some clothes and shit that I’ve been meaning to buy.

9: What are you wearing?:
-A red T-shirt, blue ‘flares’, a red Celtic hasp (it’s really something that I retrofitted from the tab of an old bag), some beads that Roy gave me, my colored hair, and my stinky sandals.

10: Did you dream last night?:
-Yes. Yes I did. I dreamt I was doing this goddamn waste of time quiz.

11: When did you last laugh?:
-I know it wasn’t this morning…I think it was somewhere around last night, when I was watching ‘Family Guy’.

12: What is on the walls of the room you are in?:
-A sort of bluish-green color

13: Seen anything weird lately?:
-My hair, for one. Umm, no, I don’t think so, I’ve heard stranger things, but I haven’t seen very much.

14: What do you think of this quiz?:
-Anything good enough for my friend Matt Moore is good enough for me.

15: What is the last film you saw?:
-’Drop Dead Gorgeous’.

16: If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first?:
-My own place, with lots of amenities.

17 Tell me something about you that I don’t know:
-Since it’s not my hair you’re looking at, I’m gay.

18: If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?:
-People’s fucking obsessions with how much they have. And spirituality. And morals.

19: Do you like to dance?:
-FUCK NO!

20: George Bush: is he a power-crazy nut case or some one who is finally doing something that has needed to be done for years?:
-I don’t think I have a qualified opinion to say something like that (fears secret police).

21(a): Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?:
-I’m not going to have kids.

21(b): Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?:
-Again, I’m not going to have kids.

22: Would you ever consider living abroad?:
-For God-sake, I live abroad already! This place is North fuckin’ Mexico! God bless America!

Summer of 1915

Knoxville: Summer of 1915
words by James Agee

We are talking now of summer evenings in Knoxville Tennessee in the time that I lived there so successfully disguised to myself as a child.

…It has become that time of evening when people sit on their porches, rocking gently and talking gently and watching the street and the standing up into their sphere of possession of the trees, of birds’ hung havens, hangars. People go by; things go by. A horse, drawing a buggy, breaking his hollow iron music on the asphalt: a loud auto: a quiet auto: people in pairs, not in a hurry, scuffling, switching their weight of aestival body, talking casually, the taste hovering over them in vanilla, strawberry, pasteboard, and starched milk, the image upon them of lovers and horsemen, squaring with clowns in hueless amber. A streetcar raising its iron moan; stopping; belling and starting, stertorous; rousing and raising again its iron increasing moan and swimming its gold windows and straw seats on past and past and past, the bleak spark crackling and cursing above it like a small malignant spirit set to dog its tracks; the iron whine rises on rising speed; still risen, faints; halts; the faint stinging bell; rises again, still fainter; fainting, lifting, lifts, faints foregone: forgotten. Now is the night one blue dew.

Now is the night one blue dew, my father has drained, he has coiled the hose.

Low in the length of lawns, a frailing of fire who breathes…

Parents on porches: rock and rock. From damp strings morning glories hang their ancient faces.

The dry and exalted noise of the locusts from all the air at once enchants my eardrums.

On the rough wet grass of the back yard my father and mother have spread quilts. We all lie there, my mother, my father, my uncle, my aunt, and I too am lying there… They are not talking much, and the talk is quiet, of nothing in particular, of nothing at all in particular, of nothing at all. The stars are wide and alive, they seem each like a smile of great sweetness, and they are very near. All my people are larger bodies than mine,… with voices gentle and meaningless like the voices of sleeping birds. One is an artist, he is living at home. One is a musician, she is living at home. One is my mother who is good to me. One is my father who is good to me. By some chance, here they are, all on this earth; and who shall ever tell the sorrow of being on this earth, lying, on quilts, on the grass, in the summer evening, among the sounds of the night. May God bless my people, my uncle, my aunt, my mother, my good father, oh, remember them kindly in their time of trouble; and in the hour of their taking away.

After a little I am taken in and put to be. Sleep, soft smiling, draws me unto her: and those receive me, who quietly treat me, as one familiar and well-beloved in that home: but will not, no, will not, not now, not ever; but will not ever tell me who I am.

Weekends with Roy

Things were great over the weekend. I colored my hair. So I’m somewhere near a very bright strawberry blonde. I wonder exactly how I’m going to explain it to my boss. The thing is my boss Johnny called my house on Friday to check if I was going into work that day. My little brother Paul answered and said that I wasn’t there, that I was ‘at school.’ Actually I was with Roy, who was this cute nice guy I met during the first week of the summer semester. Johnny tweaked my hours last week so that I spent most of my time working until nine in the evening, and boy, was he was obviously pissed about me being there. Anyway we had fun, me and Roy, and I didn’t feel so damn depressed as I had been. What sucks is not having a car. I fucking walk everywhere with this dude and I feel so terribly guilty about it. Roy’s 18. He’s just gotten back together with his ex boyfriend Danny, who’s a year younger than he is and I can’t help feeling just a bit jealous. Roy’s so nice. He’s given me accessories, and he’s even offered to help me go find some new clothes. Besides he’s such a good dresser. I don’t think I’ve seriously ever treated myself this way. It’s something rather ridiculous, the sheer fact that I’m changing my appearance to change my attitude. I just hope I don’t get laughs for it. No one likes to be laughed at. So, I guess, no regrets here…
Michael called me on Sunday and I talked to him for awhile. He sounds so sexy over the phone, but there’s nothing else really that grabs my attention. He’s so depressed over losing his boyfriend Dylan, so I tried to help by giving him some advice. In the end I just insulted him, to which he replied that he would call back at nine that evening. I didn’t even care if he did or didn’t. I didn’t want to involve myself in his affairs. But anyway he calls me around eleven in the evening, and I was at a loss for words. I couldn’t even talk to him, I was so tired.
William’s been gone and Javier’s moving to Seattle to start his new job or whatever. I’m kinda pissed at Will since he hasn’t brought back my fucking Steve Reich CDs like in the longest time and I seriously have been wanting to hear Electric Counterpoint for the longest time. I haven’t been ordering pizza as usual as I’m watching my weight for the summertime, so naturally William hasn’t been over to deliver it. I’ve been alone for the majority of the month, in the guarded presence of people that I love.
I’m really glad, I must say, that I met Roy. He’s a sweet guy, and he knows what he’s talking about. Like a couple of days before that my babe Eric called, like really fucking early in the morning, and MY GOD what an experience that was. I never see him anymore. It’s really something terribly unfortunate.
I’m going now to go meet Roy at my World Lit class.
I hope this bloggin’ experience wasn’t like the last one…