Check It Out

Isaac! What a wonderful friend her is, better than any that I have had. He told me that if I wanted to leave this place all I would do is say that I wanted to leave and he would take me to an entirely different place altogether; to the big cities, even. I said I would consider leaving to DC, New York or Seattle, and he said that I could survive there and be happy, with a place for living at the YMCA or something like that. So I’m going to do it. I would rather leave the chagrin that I feel even here and go somewhere where I can be happy and be among people who think like me and believe in what I believe in. Maybe I won’t get played around with much anymore.

Anyway, I’m seriously tired of the constant materialism I’m being exposed to whenever I’m with Roy. I think it’s cool that he’s all into fashion and shit, but I think it’s eating away at my own beliefs, and I don’t like it. It makes me feel like a sell-out. Like for me it doesn’t matter what you wear or how you dress yourself; the only thing that matters is and it should be how you see yourself. I think he took his genuine concern for me and turned it into something of like a way of insulting me and the way that I am. Fuck that shit. I don’t need people who are going to make me feel that way. This is how he is whenever he’s in a bad mood, or when he’s had a fight with his boyfriend, and I’ve been deliberately avoiding going to his place since I just get tired of him treating me the way he does. I don’t want to end this thing we have just yet, since he’s got a lot of good points too that I wouldn’t like to lose. I think I’m just going to happy with the way I am, and not give a fuck whether people like me or not. I mean, I’ve been through so much shit with guys these last couple of months, so I think I know when change is necessary.

That being said, I wonder where the hell Matt is. He doesn’t get online much anymore. It’s not cool. He should come and talk to me.

The difference between minimalism and process music

“John Cage has used processes and has certainly accepted their results, but the processes he used were compositional ones that could not be heard when the piece was performed. The process of using the I Ching or imperfections in a sheet of paper to determine musical parameters can’t be heard when listening to music composed that way. The compositional processes and the sounding music have no audible connection. Similarly in serial music, the series itself is seldom audible. (This is a basic difference between serial (basically Europeran) music and serial ‘basically American’ art, where the perceived series is usually the focal point of the Work.)”

–Steve Reich, Writings on Music

On Xanax

Yvette gave me a 500mg Xanax a couple of minutes ago and I’m actually interested in seeing how I will react to it. Government was interesting, finally. I like the class. It’s interesting. I listened to Professor Gottmann with a calculated ease and took copious notes, and then I skipped Psychology to come here. I think Professor Garett is going to be continuing in his talks concerning the sensory functions of the human body. I’m glad I have Joe as an envoy (this Joe is Roy’s roommate).

Oh my GOD, Isaac, the ex-grunt that I met here about a week ago, is so cute. He’s got that freshness about him that reeks of cowboy country. Yee-haw. I wonder if he might be. It’s an interesting prospect, I can think of a couple of guys that I know who are in the military and are gay. What’s more amiable? A gay soldier tops the list. Most military guys I know are sweethearts. They’re very disciplined men and I like that alot. Plus, those that have served in war are heroes to me. I couldn’t think of anything more desireable in a ‘life-partner’ than a veteran. It’s very desireable.

I saw Professor Kikos awhile ago and he told me that I need to get to class. Most likely I’m failing World Lit. I don’t enjoy that class as much as I had anticipated. It’s not a very stimulating class, since the only reading we have to do is basically online and I’m not into to doing that. Give me a nice fat Norton’s reader and I’m cool as a cucumber.

I haven’t heard from Eric much and I’m not going to bother inquiring. I guess if he doesn’t want a relationship, I’m okay with it; we all have our limitations. I still don’t know why he thinks I’m deaf, when the last time I spoke to him he heard me and everything, and I could hear him perfectly. Roy said he may have just been flirting, but I don’t take lightly to those situations. I don’t know; I wish Will were around.
He makes everything so much better. I called him on Friday night, then on Saturday morning, asking him to come over and see me. I can understand he’s pretty busy. I didn’t think any of us would be this busy. Yvette’s got a job, Javier’s trying to get one, Jesse’s sending up drinks at some place called Rack Daddy’s and of course I’m working and so is Roy, and I’m sure Jeremy and his friends are, too (I hope).

The Human Touch

It’s been a particularly interesting morning. I’ve been in somewhat of a disturbed state and am not enjoying it. There are people everywhere…

My new clothes

I took my Mom out to eat and to go with me clothes shopping on Sunday. I don’t recall ever doing that for Mom, but I thought since I had the money left over from my financial aid check I thought it would be a nice gesture, since she’s never neglected taking me out to lunch on my birthdays. So we went out to her favorite restaurant and we ate there.

I wasn’t feeling the general malaise I had been feeling when I had been with Roy on Friday night, since we actually found some clothes that I liked. Roy had made me try on all these tight fitting shirts that made me looked squeezed in, like a sausage. I will admit I have gained some weight since I’ve quit working out, but thank God I could still into the same size I’ve always worn. So I bought about 3 shirts at Sears and then stopped off at Hot Topic and looked around there, but I felt so ill-at-ease in that store that I just left the place. I crossed over to Bath and Body Works and bought a nice sugar scrub that exfoliates the skin and smells great, and I spent some money on that. I also went to Journeys and found a great pair of clover-green themed shoes that I just look so pimped out in.

As for my hair, I’m not sure what to do with it. It’s now more of a gentle golden color than anything else. It’s really something. I think I’m going to keep it. I just need to have it cut.

My fucking job…

Christ, I’m so ready to quit. Cindy, our freaking menopausal Clerk II at Upward Bound bitched at me today and called Johnny into talk to me. I was completely caught off guard. Apparently I’m too lazy, I don’t do enough filing, and I think I’m better than everyone else here. That makes her mad I think because supposedly everyone else gets paid more than her and she can’t stand that. Johnny called on Jovita to show me what a real student worker should be like. Then I got mad.

I admit I get tired of working. I’m not meant for desk jobs. It’s too confining. But it’s a responsibility I cannot shirk. I know Johnny counts on me to complete, but this woman, who supposedly calls herself a born-again Christian, makes this huge fuss about my work ethic and God knows what she says to my coworker Rachel. I took Dad’s advice. I didn’t let her walk all over me and I finally drew the line. I said that if she wanted me gone I was going to talk to Ismael and have my account either transferred, or completely denied. I’m not going to put up with this bullshit. I’ve got more important things to think about, whatever anyone says.

I’m feeling a hell of a lot better now. I went clothes shopping Sunday…

Turbulence

This whole fucking week has been something of a rollercoaster ride. Wednesday night, after I got home, I ordered two pizzas for me and my family and Roy called. He had just called to apologize for his audacious behavior that day, and I just sat there in complete shock. Roy had been mad at me all weekend; ever since we had the fight for two reasons: I called him too much, something of a privelege that he prefers to give to his boyfriend, and Danny. I asked him for a detailed report of what they did over the weekend, but Roy thinks that that’s something of an intrusion, since I told him earlier that I didn’t want to hear about what Roy and Danny do over the weekends. So we came up with some new rules about friendship, so we don’t have the same problems that we did earlier. I’ve categorized them:

1) Under no circumstances are we to see one another and/or have one another over if the both of us are in (1) a foul mood (2) an unhappy one (3) or in a tired state.

2) Questions concerning the romantic natures of ourselves and our ties with others are to be strictly denied and each other’s privacy is to be respected and preserved, under pains of seperation.

I’ve also set rules for myself. Dad talked to me on the way home, and he said that I have to stop caring about what people eventually think of me. I must also learn to say ‘no’ every once in a while. So I’ve been experimenting with that recently, in an effort to define my own autonomy and prevent myself from getting walked all over, which I feel is happening more and more often. I also need to go to class more, for my sake, since I felt terribly guilty on Thursday for not having gone to Dr. Ghavami’s class, and he’s vowed to make an example of anyone who shirks class to persue his own selfish desires. I hope I’m not failing.

And then this last night I had a dream about Matt. I dreamt that he moved in down the street from where I live, and one rainy day called me up to invite me to a party. Everyone I knew was there, even my own Danny, and Roy, and Roy’s Danny, who I mistook for Jesse. Michael was of course, nowwhere to be found, and Eric was there waiting for me. Just as I was about to go into to meet Matt, I woke up.

13

Yet another sign that the world as we know it is coming to an end…

Se me hizo fácil

I have effectively ended two relationships within the last two days. One has been with someone that I have known for just a few weeks, the other several years now. I just got fed up, I guess with all the bullshit that they just seemed to put up and the stuff they threw at me in some petty attempt at forging some kind of self-defense mechanism. It’s all good; one I’m particularly happy about, the other I’m a little weary and disappointed of. It’s just a shame that I let my own big mouth and my stupid emotions fuck up something that was really good.

I’ve stopped talking to Michael. He’s what we in Spanish would call a sinverguenza, someone without shame, someone that pisses you off so much that he’s not ashamed of doing it. I lied to myself that I could actually make something work with this dude, and he just was pretty much a stupid ass who was of course, as they all go, primarily concerned with himself. After a slew of ethnic slurs and childish namecalling, I gave him the benediction, and stopped talking to him altogether. This morning he pops up demanding an apology. Having made some of my mistakes myself, I apologize, but not before he calls me a fucked-up person. I say goodbye to him altogether.

So ends what was perhaps the most turbulent ‘friendship’ of my entire life. Here was this guy–this vain, selfish, so sexily cruel guy–and I felt completely attracted and even in love with him, and in return he tells me that I’m crazy, that in that typical white-guy manner says I’m ‘not his type’, and that I’m more or less a shameless, violable person. I lied to him, like I did with the rest of them. I’m so vindictive. You do it because you hate them so much, that you want them to love you. You want them to comfort you. You really do want to feed off of their happiness. Last night I was perusing throught the Apocryphal book of Sirach and discovered that happiness is not sure until death. So no one really is happy. What a lie we’ve all been brought up to to believe.

So long, Michael. You’re still a nice guy, deep down, beyond all the bullshit.

The other guy I’ve stopped talking to is Roy. He’s fed up with me and my victimizations of everything. I can understand his chagrin. I’m not an easy person to get along with. I understand that. I’m not entirely happy about the fact that I’ve been led to believe that friendship with him was even viable. I knew we were quitsville when he told me that he was hooking back up with Danny. That made me insanely jealous. Friday night we had it out. We fought with one another and it was messy. He basically said everything that so far everyone has told me–that I’m doing all of this for attention, that I’m depressed too much, that I hate myself and everything about me. He’s partly right. That’s why I’m changing so much right now. Changing my hair color was only one part of it, and he successfully applied that part to me because he believed that I could be changed. But I don’t think that he believes me anymore. We ‘made up’ on Saturday, or so I thought, because when I came to say hello to him this morning he said that he still wants to be friends, just not best friends like we were before all of this happened. I shouldn’t have opened my big mouth. I hate myself so much now for throwing it all away, just to satisfy jealousy. I’m not cool with it. Even Mom noticed something was wrong with me, when she dropped me off at school on Friday morning. I know that he’s closed off that part of himself that once tried to like me, because he doesn’t want to get hurt. I’m okay with it. I would have done the same. The thing I don’t like is the fact that he’s ignoring me now since I told him I couldn’t drop his lousy boyfriend off about 80 miles from here because he came to stay over. I just don’t know about this guy, man. It’s just not cool the way we’ve messed around with each other’s emotions. It makes me question everything about being gay myself, if there’s any possibility for finding happiness at all.

I’ve completely fucked up. I need a vacation, and soon. I’ve been studying and working since Fall of last year, and I think I need to have a break before I have a nervous breakdown. I miss class a lot now a days. I need to seriously consider the possibility of moving on completely before I’m swept away by the problems of being this young and gay and having conflicting morals. But I have noticed a change: when I stopped talking to Michael this morning, I felt like I had risen above his level and was finally at a place where I could never be assaulted and bothered by the likes of him. It was a nice feeling. Roy, too.

Now I wonder what I’m going to do with my paycheck, since it’s obvious that Roy and I aren’t going shopping on the weekend…