40

If you ever read this, Lance (Michael)—

You’re so ****in’ hot.

39

I’m goin’ to parrrty. Alex has his friends over tonight and I’m in a good mood. The alcohol is flowing like a river and I couldn’t be in a better mood. Some weird lookin’ white chicks are here and so far I’m in the mix.

I don’t know, let whatever comes come. Bring it the fuck on.

The Sad Wild Things

I went to bed pretty early last night after an entertaining evening with some of PJ’s younger brothers (I think). Everyone came around again for volleyball out in the sand pit, while I jammed out to some King Crimson at the apartment. The party was over after some lanky white girl came over and hollered at us, saying that the folks next door had classes at eight in the morning and that they needed rest. She gave us all an indignant look, which I’m sure had racial and socioethical undertones to it. That’s something that I know about the white folks ’round here, that they expect perhaps more silence from others than usual. Perhaps it’s not that; perhaps it’s the pervasive Protestant ethic that regulates this town. Here, everyone knows Jesus personally and no one is without him. Yet, there are only three Catholic churches in Lubbock, and to add insult to injury one that I have been to is very liberal; so liberal, in fact, as to have large, loud snare drums as sacred music (the stuff the kids listen to nowadays), and people standing at the altar (and not kneeling as they should be) at the moment of transubstantiation. This Mass, I remember, was with Kim and Sarah and I think it was for the most part full of liturgical abuses.

Aside from it raining all day, I did my laundry and called Eric again, but I think his cell phone no longer has service, so talking to him is now pretty much an impossibility until he restores his service. Unless he broke his phone or something. In the ten minutes or so that Alex lent me his phone I called Ma, Isaac and the housing department to tell them that payment for the application wouldn’t be going out until the next month, and they said it was all right. I called Mother collect this evening to talk to her and see how things were going, and she said Paul finally got a tattoo, last night, when he was at Peter’s house. I do have good news: Grandpa is sending me money via telegraph to the apartment, so I think I shall recieve the money around Friday, which will give me more than enough time to adequately prepare for the trip out to TTU to go pay off housing; one last little hurdle before registration.

I like the way things are now, very much so. I’m very happy I’m working so hard and getting results from it. The upside to this is that my health is finally responding, too. I went to the gym and ran about eight laps on the treadmill and didn’t have to stop for a breather like I normally do. I hit the Nautilus and was actually doing pretty well on that machine that I lost track of time. After it finished raining I checked the post, signed a work order for the dryer in the laundry nook, which tends to shrink clothes, and swam for a little bit. The dude who almost tripped me yesterday and made everybody believe so said hi to me, and swam with me a little. We made idle conversation, but nothing else.

I only hope God made give me more grace and more of His steadfastness to withstand whatever trials lie ahead. I unite myself completely to Him, body and soul.

Into Your hands I commend my spirit, O Lord.

Desvelado

I miss that part home that rings of life;
Lush and long, luxuriating in the shade–
The high still trees in the thick heat of summer
Glossing over everything in some golden manner.
The smell is rich and smells like grass, the garden,
The wind is almost full of it, it seems.

There is no pain now in losing that feeling,
Since here is up above the clouds,
High in the high places, away from the storms of sensation
The quick vibrations of memory, the sad wild things
Here everyone is too intelligent for that.
I wonder, still, if things exist for that reason alone
If love, then, can still exist.

Isaac called last night…

Isaac and I talked about things last night. Not perhaps the way we normally talk about them; but in some way he was like my dad or like my older brother giving me advice, and I was reluctantly accepting it. It’s been quiet all morning, since I woke up somewhere around nine-fifteen, and there’s been nothing to do all morning. Well, except the obvious. Matt replied to an entry I posted this morning about politics. That’s what I’m feeling right now, more than anything else. It’s stupid to talk about such things. I remember Jesus’ words to his disciples: “Consider the lilies of the field, they do not toil, nor do they spin…” I took out my Stafford Loan and gave the matter over to God. I know He can use the money more than I can, He has his ways and I have my ways; I only care for what really mattters. So I’ve indebted myself to the US Government. It’s an awful thing, really. I may not even finish college here, provided if I don’t go into active duty with The Corps first.

The main thing I’m feeling is spiritual fright. I am before the chasm, and looking down into it, and wondering if I can jump across. The Lord has directed me to stop and look at things for awhile, and definitely get my ass in gear. Isaac has told me the same thing, and I am more than happy to do it for him. He said he was going to send me some money soon, since I asked him, since I broke the fifty I was supposed to use for the application fee for the dorms.

After I got offline last night I put on some clothes and went for a walk around the complex. Last night was absolutely wonderful. It rained, and the air was fresh and cool. Really like autumn weather, and this stuff never happens in July back home. I thought about alot of things last night, and asked God what I should do about them. The Lord directed me to sit down–to kneel down, really–and to just listen to him. I felt guilty for having wanted to pick a fight with Matt for the last couple of days. I defintitely made that clear by posting that antithetical little post about America last night. I know God wants something from me, but as of yet I’m not sure what it is. He told me last night that there’s nothing to be afraid of, that everything is going to be just fine.

So I’m not going to complain anymore. Isaac has taught me that you have to laugh down your fears and anxieties, or else they end up consuming you whole. And I like being able to say no to people, to actually put my foot down. I like being self-sufficient. It fits me.

Anyway there’s nothing else to talk about. Nothing, at least that I would like to talk about. All I have to do is get my ass in gear. No problem.

Philomel/Moore Mix

WHEN it comes to politics there are some things that get me. I know for sure that I’m gay, but more and more I find myself completely up against some of the stuff the gay community stands for. Even more so in Lubbcok, where there are alot more gay people, I cannot understand the political rationale. I feel everytime we bash the President or one of the many members of Congress we take a part of America with us. I know now that she is corrupted from the inside out, completely fucked by the sectarian infighting between Republicans and Democrats.

I myself am not only sitting on the fence, but refusing to move either way. If I perhaps lean to the left, then I sell out to the socialism of the modern Democrat. If I lean too far to the right I venture into the harsh homophobic world of the angry white Republican and his committee chair minions. Not only am I exercising my right to not take an active part in the evil of American politics, but am forcing everyone to look at it. And everyone knows how I love attention.

One of my sticking points is the whole Defense of Marriage Act, which I think is an honourable venture by the legislature. By basically saying that marriage is fundamentally defined as a union between a man and a woman, it therefore preserves the moral imperativity of the whole action. I think something that is thousands of years old and preserved in the sacred traditions of the Church must be defended, since it really does form the cornerstone of society. I cringe to think what could happen if gay marriage was actually permitted to occur. Children are naturally inquistive? ‘Are my parents normal parents, like everyone else?’ might be a question that I can seriously think of off the top of my head.

I feel that if we allow this to happen we have effectively doomed America to her grave. No longer will she be respected among other nations as she was; she will be seen as the materialistic whore who consented to have her rules twisted into sly changeable PC rhetoric that makes for no moral progress whatsoever. What kind of people are we that we should do this? What right do we have to make this rule? What audacity do we have to do this? What next? Drive-through abortion clinics? Sex clubs in neighborhoods? S & M clubs in Washington? I speak all of this with a terrible irony, since I know all these things exist in America.

But for the love of God Almighty I will not have my religion and belief in Him compromised by some law, or the popularity of accepting it.

In 1789, the French government issued an Oath of Supremacy nullifying the practice of religion, punishable by death. If something like this must be done, then I will certainly sacrifice myself so that my belief in God and his covenant with men remains secure in the hands of his truest people.

“It’s all about evolution…”

“…He stood on top of the mountain, the sun shedding its flintish light off over the sea, and the people, and the trees. All around him the sweet smell of the Galilean air wafted like Jerusalem incense, the same kind he smelled when he was twelve, in the Temple. He stretched out his hands and exhaled brilliantly, crying out with the truest joy he had ever felt [...].
“You think you’re worthy of GOD?! You’re worthy of nothing! You’re hypocrites! All you liberal Jews, you who said you follow Moses and the prophets to the letter, you’re no better than the hardline Jews who run the Temple! You think you got it all figured out. You think everything exists around you. Well, I’m here to tell you that it doesn’t. God is love, but he sometimes can’t love you. You think it’s GOD that loves you? He doesn’t want to! [...] It’s one culture against another! It’s you and the Romans and The Greeks and you’re in the middle, and you want everything to be nice and pretty. You’re dead wrong. God is coming. And he’s angry. All life is at war. That’s all that matters. Forget about you and how you’re good to one another. It’s all about survival. It’s all about how you evolve. You want the Romans to crucify you? You have to evolve beyond that! Learn to love one another! That’s how wars are won! You have to evolve beyond what everyone expects to you! It’s not about peace! It’s about survival!”

–Nikos Kazantzakis, The Last Temptation of Christ

Man With An Open Heart

LAST night Alex and his friend PJ and I went out to go get some beer and some stuff and really to celebrate my birthday. I got sick and tired of just staying at home and doing absolutely nothing, so we went out.

It’s actually pretty interesting. Lubbock is in what you would call a ‘dry’ county, meaning that no alcohol can be sold within the city limits or even those of the county. So we went out and waited behind a long line of cars at some crude reconstruction of the Las Vegas strip. Neon blinking lights heralding fountains of alcohol danced before us as we went into a little drive in where people got their drinkables without having to get out of their cars. I adapted myself to this tradition by letting myself have at a 30-pack of Bud Light and then later three Bacardi Razzes. It was coolness. No pussy-licking watered down tequila here.

Actually I like this situation more than I did the last one. We’ve definitely done alot more and I’m feeling less and less inhibited as I was at Sarah’s place. At least here there is more of a feeling of guy-ness than anything. I finally feel like I’m asserting my masculinity in the truest form possible. It’s actually quite refreshing.

We went to PJ’s house and chatted a bit, played a little fooz-ball. I met his younger brother, and I called William, Yvette and Eric. Will misses me like crazy.

Then Brittany, one of Alex’s girl-friends calls us up to drop off the 30-pack at her house before we head back to the apartment. We come over, and everyone gives me a hug, wishing me a happy birthday and whatnot, and I’m cool. I figure I’m going to drink so much tonight that I’m finally going to pop my alcohol cherry once and for all. And I did, oh, I did.

We all sat at the kitchen table with our drinks and drew cards to see what kind of action we would do if our card was drawn. E.g., like if you drew a six, all the guys would take a drink. I finished up two Bacardi Razzes, and then Brittany made me one more very strong drink I called the Afterparty. It’s just basically Jose Cuervo, aguardiente and alot of pineapple juice. I like fruity drinks.

I ended up kissing Megan on the mouth, and it was really embarrassing since everyone practically knows I’m gay. I’m sure the rumours will start to fly now.

So basically after this we went to McDonalds for some late night dinner and then PJ’s girlfriend, Melanie calls. She was pissed at PJ for not showing up, and when I tried to convince her that PJ wasn’t doing anything indiscreet, she hollers at me and says she doesn’t want to talk to me. So much for helping the cause.

I went to sleep completely happy. This has been one hell of birthday, I’m sure.

My Birthday

TODAY is my birthday. I’m 20 today, and I’m pretty excited about the upcoming year. It’s been pretty quiet. I got up, did my daily work and then had some rec time. My roommate has gone out as usual and I’m here using the computer. It’s been a pretty gloomy and lonesome day. I’ve had my troubles, too. Mainly with guys–the usual stuff–you know, like Mike’s financial situation. I just got finished talking to this guy and he said he doesn’t need my help, and that he doesn’t believe me overall when I say I’m trying to help out. He’s one of those guys who just complains incessantly all the time. Perhaps that’s the reason he can’t get up off his ass and seriously do something about his life. Sarah told him something I guess to this effect and he was completely rude to her. I now know for sure that Michael isn’t probably worth the shit in his toilet. He has no determination, and no will to succeed.

As for things with Matt, well, we came to an agreement today. I said I would send him pictures if he send me pictures. I didn’t want him to think of me as perhaps being as svelte as I was at age sixteen, since I’ve gained so much weight since then with being in ball in high school and elsewhere. Matt’s so cute. He’s been so gracious to let me see him, and definitely I will do the same thing. Besides, whom could it hurt? I should let my inhibitions go and definitely go for it. I guess it’s the last piece of whatever’s the puzzle for me and him, though perhaps I made it sound like he was shallow or something at one time or another, which is completely opposite of what I intended. The thing is I don’t want him freaking out when he really does see me at last. I don’t want him to think that I’m just some creep who’s just trying to get into his pants. And of course I usually tend to blow up that out of proportion; so I’m not going to exacerbate that anymore.

Other than that, I’m pretty cool with things right now. I wish I had my famuly around me right now, and a big birthday cake, and a special meal prepared. Life is hard. It’s strange. We find ourselves in places we don’t expect, and ask how we got there, and then complain when things go horribly wrong. I don’t understand my life, or what God wants from me. All I know is that he led me out here into the wild high places to find myself at last and find someone to spend the rest of my life with. What scares me the most about all of this is that perhaps all of this may be a vast mistake and I may not even be very prepared for all of this. But of course this is countered with the fact that there are people who seriously are pulling for me to go and do the best I can. I so want to please my parents and Isaac–and inevitably, Matt. He says he doesn’t want me trying to impress him, but I feel like I need to. I don’t know what’s going to happen with me and him, but I certainly want everything to turn out well, even if we never end up seeing one another in person. Besides, I don’t want to complicate things right now. I seriously want everything to be in order, and I think that will have to manifest itself in getting my college shit in order.

I seriously think that things couldn’t be any happier for me right now. I just want to be in school and in my own resting place right now. I know that everything is gone from me except the certainty of Isaac’s and Matt’s goodness. So I am certainly going to wait for love and success and the prospects that it holds. I’m not going to fuck things up right now. May Almighty God send me His strength and peace and may I unite my sufferings to Him.

And may he send one of his messengers to shut my mouth.

Happy Birthday to me!

Birthday Wish I…

FUCK YOU JIM SHEAD