1904 (Guillaume Apollinaire)

À Strasbourg en dix-neuf-cent-quatre
J’arrivai pour le lundi gras
À l’hôtel m’assis devant l’âtre
Près d’un chanteur de l’Opéra
Qui ne parlait que de théâtre

La Kellnerine rousse avait
Mis sur sa tête un chapeau rose
Comme Hébé qui les dieux servait
N’en eut jamais. Ô belles choses
Carnaval chapeau rose Ave!

À Rome à Nice et à Cologne
Dans les fleurs et les confetti
Carnaval j’ai revu ta trogne,
Ô roi plus riche et plus gentil
Que Crésus Rothschild et Torlogne

Je soupai d’un peu de foie gras
De chevreuil tendre à la compôte
De tartes flans et cetera
Un peu de kirsch me ravigote

Que ne t’avais-je entre mes bras.

In a Landscape

With Matt gone for vacation, I’m not sure what I’m doing here online. Usually I just get online to talk to him, and maybe to pick a fight, but all for fun, anyway. I’m glad he’s taking a break, he’s a very hard worker and certainly deserving of a nice long break. Last night, however, I think my own sidebars certainly pissed him off, so much that he seriously was pissed at me for a long time. I, embarassed, said I really didn’t mean to say those things; and then I proceeded to ‘lecture’ him, like I always end up doing. When he turned in early I told myself that I went way too far. I guess if you talk to someone too much the other person gets used to all the bad things that you’re all about, and never really gets to see the good things. I miss having something to do all day. This computer is a distraction and I’m certainly not going to ask for hell anymore, and not pick fights with Matt, that’s for sure.

It’s been a stormy evening all night and I spent the majority of it inside, going outside to look at the badass lightening. There was a terrible hailstorm some miles from where I live–hail to the size of tennis balls–and I’ve been absolutely put into mind of the storms back home. I do like how it rains here, though, and it makes me think of him more than anything. He once told me that he liked the rain, and our courtship has been absolutely wonderful. I can’t believe this is happening to me. I went to the payphone this afternoon after retreiving the post and I called him, and he said he was busy, but that he would drop all what he was doing even to just hear if I took out the morning garbage. I find myself thinking about him more and more each day. The other night, since I had the apartment to myself (Alex is visiting his folks in Oklahoma; Marcus is Midland with his folks)Mike asked if he could come over and I said I did. I had some Johnny Mercer and k.d. lang on and we danced to ‘Skylark’ and I taught him the fandango and samambaia. We laughed and talked, then collapsed onto the sofa and spent about an hour talking about our lives, and just acting completely romantic. He kissed me modestly on the cheek, said I was adorable, that things are going well, and that he certainly wants to see me again.

So indiscretions with Lance aside, I think I’ll be okay. Loneliness isn’t so bad if you know that people are thinking about you and praying for you and hoping for the best. I saw a documentary tonight on CMT about Dolly Parton and I swear, I can so relate to her. I cry every time I hear ‘Coat of Many Colors’ because that’s my story–how the kids at school used to make fun of the hand-me-downs were wore to school and how inevitably I rose above the clamor of that place, and left Harlingen to start a new life; and how I’m so proud of the stock I came from, and how every time I think about it how many people don’t get to do this; and more than anything I am lucky to have so many people pulling for me, really proud of me. And here I was beating myself up, thinking that I couldn’t do it. I remember Mom crying, and it always gets me since I really never intended to hurt her or make her worried with my departure. In fact, I was blind to her emotions, so I think it’s wrong to assume that. I haven’t heard from Isaac in a while; and he keeps me in check from aspiring to too much. He wanted to go to Tech but never got the chance, so in reality I feel like I’m doing this for Isaac, too, and he told me once that I have to do this to show him that it’s possible for a person of limited means to get to here. I haven’t worked here in my purgatory of the apartment; I feel I’m letting myself slack off. But the good news is that I have a place to stay, and a job to support myself. I know it’s still a little early for self-congratulation, but I’m happy to be here and have time to think about things rather than rush about home and slip into depression. And the thing is, I never knew this was coming. Once I figured we were in Harlingen for good, there was no possibility of going anywhere else, not even back to California. I know Isaac thinks of me often, but I know he’s been overworked and being a single dad is also hard, too. I’m going to keep up the good work and continue my walk to Calvary with this cross, and then like so much else, give it to God. You know, I’ve actually grown so much closer to Him; I’m glad He speaks to me and tells me that I’m doing good, most of the time. I know it’s crazy, but The Lord tells me so much, it seems like I have no will left, as if He took it up completely, and directs me to what He wants. I ask him a question, and He answers me. And He makes me do things I wouldn’t normally do. I saw this girl moving down the path from us struggling with her things; I went over and lifted the whole thing up for her. The neighbors didn’t do it, and they all gave me looks. God be praised for such actions; I wouldn’t do anything if it weren’t for Him.

I’m inbetween immense gratitude and immense regret for not having done this earlier. I’m about three years behind everyone else, and I think to some extent it was expected of me. Perhaps it was punishment, or sheer laziness. But I’m glad this rung of Purgatory isn’t as bad as the others, and I know I’m going to happy in a higher state soon. At least I hope. Life is tough, and people are tougher than they have ever been. I can understand now when Mike told me that people don’t look for sensitivity anymore. It’s one of those sad, wild things that get lost in the way people grow; it lies untouched beneath the surface, alone, just lying there in ruins or whatnot; and above that is this hardness, this sharp spiny exterior that hurts people. People are hard–they have no choice to be. And I’m thinking, where does that leave me? Am I emotionally immature so that my own sense of kindness hasn’t been covered over with such a hard outside shell? Maybe it’s what people don’t expect that surprises them; when you’re kind you’re thought of as a pussy and here in this society that can’t be good. I saw Monster recently and I identified with Aileen Wuornos so particularly. It’s not that I was abused, it’s more that I’m a good person deep down but that I’ve just been fucked around with and have fucked over so many that I’m jaded. I’m bitter. It’s hard removing the scars of what people have done to you, however intentional and unintentional. You want people to miserable like you and then they leave when they see you’re beyond any help whatsoever. That’s what I’m afraid of mainly. That’s why I’m so bent on making my relationship with Michael and my friendship with Matt work. I don’t want Matt to leave me. I’ve learned so much from him already, and I marvel sometimes at the pure truth he just says. With Michael I think it’s that fleeting happiness–evasive, really–the happiness of home, and pets, and family. The stuff you dream about at night, the stuff that haunts you and makes you homesick; the stuff that really matters. Thing is, all my life I’ve been basically deprived of that and now I’m desperate for it. It’s crazy. But it’s what everyone wants; what deep down really matters. At least I still hope so. I still have this wild ardorous lust for life–but a quiet one, an autumnal one. Maybe I will share a part of Nature’s Communion with God. I just want peace, and happiness. And nothing to worry about anymore.

I’m scared…and I’m happy, and I’m hopeful. I’m falling for two people, and I don’t know what’s going to happen…I’m in stasis, and I know I’ve made the right choice. I am just above the chasm, and I am in mid-leap. I can see all the lava below me, and I can see the vast landscape all around me…that’s what I am. I’m in a landscape.

In the mix of things…

Yesterday I went to Tech to finish up some shit and get things done and Brit went with me (she was my ride). We had fun, all the while talking about the so-called drama in our lives. I paid for my application at the dorm, deferred the $400 smackers for housing, and also headed off to the TSI compliance office to get some things taken care of. I shouldn’t be freaking out, since I have so much money in reserve for classes, but I’ll need another loan to keep everything tightly moving for everything else. I’ll need a job, and no doubt am I going to get one and start paying everyone back for money that was given to me: Isaac, Mom, everyone else. I am finally realizing the problem that Michael McLanahan had in some of my works; the disadvantages of being poor in a big city. Brit bought two LaCoste shirts for her golfing session and the proprietor came and measured me up for some new shirts, $150 a pop, which put into my mind that I’ll be needing new clothes. Everything else sags and swims on me and perhaps it might be nice. I asked him if could do anything in the Italian cut and he said he could. The thing is I’ve been dying for a hot pink shirt, or something in the style of Diesel’s florals on men. And new jeans. Ah well, I could indebt myself even more, but I found out this morning that Mom or Isaac will probably have to borrow in my name, since I’ve never had a credit card/credit history…it’s all good stuff… I just wish I had the money for some new clothes.

Anyway, I wish I had some good news to update about, but everything is so far off now that I’m sure I’m going to be caught up with everything that everything might just fall apart. Anyway, I’m going to keep the faith and stay in the mix…what’s even worse is that the figure of a certain ridiculously handsome white man is plaguing my dreams…and I feel allsorts of things right now…