A year for Eric

It’s been awhile since I updated, maybe about two weeks. Tomorrow is Halloween. It will have been a year since I first started talking to Eric. In the little time that I’ve actually gotten to know him, I feel like he has formed a significant part of my life, at least since we started talking again February of this year. I’ve fallen for him. It’s not the age–the fact that he’s 25–but it’s the fact that he’s been so good to me. He listens to me. I don’t think anyone has treated me like he has. In this year I’ve come to discover how close I am to being really absolutely in love. I know that he will probably laugh this all off, and say I’m crazy for thinking this way, but I just know in my heart that I’m so close to actually declaring myself to him. I want to go up there before he leaves for NYC and film school so I can tell him. I wish it were possible. I’m probably some kid to him. It’s very sad; how I’ve martyred myself for him.

Anyway, I’m passing two of my classes; speech and math (surprise!). So if I keep it up, I really will make it through the semester and I will be able to get to the next one and continue struggling to pass. Things are very tough right now. Doug and I don’t really talk all that much anymore since he’s so busy working and since I pissed him off. I felt like I was struggling to keep that alive anyway. So if we broke up I really don’t care. I can’t keep my mind off men right now. There are four that I’m seriously thinking of without any reservations. I don’t know how it’s going to be when I have to let Eric go. I mean, I love him so much, not because he’s nice to me or anything like that, but just because he was himself with me before I was. It’s terrible to think that I’ll have to let go of him one day. That’s how haunted I am by his memory–since he’s been so good to me and I’m not even worth his attention. That’s the horribly sad thing about it.

Yesterday he played around with me mostly. He showed me pictures of some guy that said he was hot; I looked at them and said the other guy was nice-looking (as he is), but I couldn’t help feeling like I missed my chance. Certainly my attitude didn’t help, with my constsnt clinginess to him. I can surmise Eric’s detachment by looking at Issac, who is the same age as Eric. He’s not attached to everything. I don’t know how to process it. I wish it were so much more easier, and I feel like a fool for being in love with someone I really don’t know all that much about. We’ve only had a couple of conversations over a very long period of time, but yet I feel like I’ve suddenly found the person I was meant to be with for life. And he’s going away to New York City, a place full of people, a place full of things, a place full of another world which I can never have, nor have ever wanted. It’s something very sad. I’m not sure how I’m going to cope with his departure. I don’t want him to go. I want him to be at arm’s length, to at least be there when I’m ready to.

I don’t know what’s going to happen. But I’m firm that whatever happens, I’ll be able to survive it in my own ways, and maybe look forward to tomorrow with increased hope. Eric may not lose touch with me, but I know it will happen one day, and that’s what scares me. I’ll be just another kid he knew. I don’t want that to happen, because that would have nullified everything I felt for him.

The Shadow of His Smile

Things are on their way down from nice little high period that I had all last week. However in this case this is the first time I’ve been able to actually pinpoint the highs and lows. It was good. I’m not saying that I’m entering a bad period, I’m thinking of this period as a time of quieting down and getting back to work and seriously sticking to it. I hope I made a good grade on my Greek test. I know this time I did ALOT better, since I knew most of the vocabulary words and conjugations. I also have a new workout buddy: my friend Randy, who speaks perfect Spanish, and whom I helped last night study for Greek. He’s a baseball player on the Texas Tech Baseball Team, and knew Marcus Simpson, who happened to be an old roommate of mine when I lived with Alex. Anyway, we’re going to work out together. BJ complemented me on my knit cap today, which hasn’t been washed in some months. The same goes for the caps that Roy gave me.

Had a nice little conversation with Matt today. I think things are better between us now that we understand a little more about our own lives and whatnot. As usual, TJ pisses me off, his latest episode involving him stealing a blanket from me that was mine, even though he said it was his. This got to a point to where he sat down on my bed and tried to pry the thing from my body. That asshole. There are so many things that he does that piss me off; even his general appearance and overall attitude are very very very very annoying. It only gets to me every once in a while. I’m gradually getting over things day by day, but I’m compelled to hit him in the face next time he does something like this. I wonder if anyone in this hall has this much problems with their roommate.

So on to my next task, which is assembling a presentation for Communication Studies. It’s a very easy class, and I think so far I’m passing it. If I stick to my guns I might just make it this time. For the most part that’s what I’ve been afraid of. I couldn’t go back home and face the family and tell them that I blew it. Especially to Issac. I called him the other day just to see how he was doing and he has set up his new television repair business. I wish I was his age. I feel like I need to be done with college, really. I would like to be on my own like Eric and Isaac. Eric said that he thinks of me as a little brother now, and he’s dating some boy named Trey who’s from a wealthy lineage. It’s nice. I feel like there’s nothing I can really do, but I’m keeping Eric on my ‘guys to watch’ list, just in case he needs me.

Still, it’s hard to realize things in light of what they are now. I feel that the world now is a wonderful place to live, that despite all the bad people in it we still have so much to enjoy. I’m enjoying college right now. I’m going to work my hardest to ensure that I get through this semester, to stave off shame, to get away from the immense pressure. There’s a lot going with me right now, and working it out has been a wonderful exercise in coming to terms with my place in the world. My other life beckons to me now, between Doug and this place and everywhere else. I am determined to beat the system and make a name for myself, to finally break the cycle and come out swinging, more determined than ever. I have to stave off the negativity. It requires alot. Jason, my therapist, thinks I need to take medicine. Doug and I have talked about it, and he says it’s not a good idea, with my addictive habits. So we’re trying to go for a more naturalistic approach to it. I’m thinking that working out more will regulate my hormones, thereby making it possible for the highs and lows to be more stable and such. So we’ll see.

Anyway, my intervention into my behavior has been productive. I’m realizing that whatever’s ‘wrong’ with me is not external–that is, not wrong with the haves and have-nots of society–it’s internal. It’s something in me that’s preventing me from accentuating those positive parts that haven’t been accentuated, or for more biological reasons, cannot. I’m going to keep on doing the best I can and keep on going. I can’t fail. I won’t.

59

Everything has come to a head in the last couple of days. A boy down the hall named Naval took me to the bank to cash a disbursement account for about twenty-eight dollars. I got the money, bought a LAN cord for an exorbitant amount of money, and walked back to the dorm. I filed for employment with the college and they got back to me. I’m an SA for Texas Tech now, so it’s good that I’m getting all my shit in order. Of course, there are other things. TJ still gets on my nerves, and every day I wonder what I’ve gotten myself into. As my relationship with Doug increases my dependence on other guys has diminished to the point where I don’t actively make an effort to talk to guys that I had feelings for. This is a variety of men. I’m okay with alot of things, but I think for now I’d better latch on to Doug and hold on tight. He bought me a denim jacket (how wonderfully cliche), in addition to the newest Morelenbaum2/Sakamoto album. This showering of gifts by individuals makes me feel especially special. People call on me, too. Aside from the boys here on the floor, other guys I really respect call me. Last night I had a nice little conversation with Duane last night, and I told him how I got kicked out of my English class and niceties about Greek and whatnot. I feel special. I’ll have something to do later on. On the whole I completed a lot today: had SBS send out my refund check, which I’ll have to pay half of to Matt, namely for his gracious assistance in getting me the money to pay for my developmental math course. That and the check from Naval, and the job, and a host of other things which have made me think of much. Matt my CA has returned. Cute BJ is back from giving plasma across the street and also from a strenous bike race for cancer in Waco. I wish I had the resources to do such wonderful things. But as things are, it’s very unlikely I’ll be giving myself over to any charitable institutions anytime soon.

TJ still gets on my nerves, but not all that much. I look at his fat, sildling face, partly scarred, partly ashamed of me, partly ashamed of the fact that I’m not white, partly ashamed that he’s living with someone poorer than he. I know he would rather be living with someone who can watch ESPN with a gathered interest, someone who can talk about football. I wish I still had an interested it. I used to a long time ago, but now things have changed for me and I’m definitely looking at things from a different point of view. Douggie says I should stop worrying about him. I have, for the most part, but I still want him to like me for me and that’s pretty much it. Ah, fuck it. We can’t please everybody, now can we? I’ve been this far in life trying to garner people’s attention and I’m now in therapy for it. I just wish there were more people like me around. I like the fact that I can say to people that therapy is really helping me out, that everything is working out the way it should, that I can see things that people like about me and the things that people don’t. I think that is important in finding out what is really wrong with me. I like knowing know what is wrong with me–that I have a minor case of bipolar disorder, and that regulating the hormones, eating well and working out more will effectively take care of that problem. Still, I have my moments.

I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss Javier the most. I talked to him today for a while. He sounds great. I can’t wait for Thanksgiving…

AND Roy is behaving badly. Ernie told me that he has six or seven guys on the side…that’s dangerous!