Too bad she killed herself…

Dominique, nique, nique s’en allait tout simplement
Routier pauvre et chantant
En tous chemins, en tous lieux, il ne parle que du bon Dieu

Il ne parle que du bon Dieu
A l’e poque ou Jean-sans-Terre de’ Angleterre etait Roi
Dominique, notre Pere, combattit les Albigeois
Repeat first 4 lines: Chorus

Ni chameau, ni diligence il parcout l’Europe a pied
Scandinavie ou Provence dans la sainte pauvrete
Refrain

Enflamma de toute ecole filles et garcons pleins d’ardeur
Et pour semer la Parole inventa les Freres-Precheurs
Refrain

Chez Dominique et ses freres le pain s’en vint a manquer
Et deux anges se presenterent portant de grands pains dores
Refrain

Dominique vit en reve les precheurs du monde entier
Sous le manteau de la Vierge en grand nombre rassembles
Refrain

Dominique, mon bon Pere, garde-nous simples et gais
Pour annoncer a nos freres la Vie et la Verite
Refrain

–The Singing Nun

O Amor em Paz

Eu Amei, e amei ai de mim muito mais do que devia amar
E chorei ao sentir que iria sofrer, E me desesperar
Foi então, que da minha infinita tristeza aconteceu você
Encontrei em você a razão de viver e de amar em paz
e não sofrer mais, nunca mais
Porque o amor, É a coisa mais triste, Quando se desfaz
Porque o amor, É a coisa mais triste, Quando se desfaz

It’s over.

Today Matt told me that it was best we should stop talking to one another. I blocked him from my contact list and deleted it from it. It’s something of a new start for me, and also the end of an era. He’s no longer ‘my guy’. He is now just some guy, some guy that managed to change my life. I will appreciate his friendship. He was a good person, but I just finally got to him.

Lies

I won’t be able to go back home for Thanksgiving. It’s not really all that much of a big deal, but every time Mother calls and asks about me, she starts to cry and say that she misses me and everything. And to be honest, I miss her, too. She and I didn’t have much time to really learn to appreciate one another’s presences. Now that I’m here I’m much more aware of that. I remember running to her and enfolding myself in her whenever something scared me. Now that I’m on my own there’s no one to really hold me tightly anymore. Relationships have ended. My therapy sessions are coming to an end, also (but I’m going to be referred to a local clinic, at a fee). But I feel like I’m growing more and more as a person. I’m beginning to realize that I don’t have it as bad as others do. One of the big things that I’m aiming to control is my constant need to lie to make others believe that I’m okay–something of a self-defeating process, and also something very contradictory, since I find myself pandering others for attention. This has been both positive and negative. I’m ready for change. I really hope that I’ll be able to really control all these things that have been bothering me lately. I know that anger doesn’t help, nor excessive whining, nor anything like that. I’m getting ready to let go. It’s been on my mind for some time now. I’m letting go of previous relationships built on lies, and those that haven’t survived because of them. I’m building my whole life up all over again. I realize now that my own life, which had been something of a vast, intricate lie with sub-lies had to be torn down, and structured so that I could be honest with myself. I realize that this took on various ways, such as toning down the high-falootin’ speech forms of my English in place of a more authentic, honest speech. I’m starting out with the little things right now. Later, I’ll have to end or seriously limit contact relationships built on lies. My wonderful therapist Jason suggested some sessions ago that I make a log of how many lies I told, thereby limiting contact with them. I already have a “Book of Harmonies”; why not a “Book of Lies”? It would only serve to heal me more. I’m not sure what to do with my feelings for Eric, though. I feel so attracted to him, almost to the point where I’m seriously crushing on him, but I hardly know the guy and he hardly knows me and probably doesn’t want to and I feel so awful. I want to let him go and let all the feelings associated with him go, because I know I’m only careening towards heartbreak. I can’t keep on doing this to myself. I go crazy for guys and bring their hopes up and when they get to know me they’re so horribly surprised to find out how awful I really am. There’s this one guy that I can completely relate to, that I really like, too. He’s an aspiring ziner like me and is so into the counterculture. I really like him. I’m going to make this one count, for good. But I’m pretty certain that unless there are such things as miracles, nothing will ever happen between me and Eric.

It’s getting late, and I need to be up tomorrow, so I’ll post soon, if anyone cares to read.

‘You must come away to a silent place and rest a while…’

‘You must come away to a silent place and rest a while…’ (Mark 6:31)

Having come away from a hard time, I’m at the brink. There are certain people that I’m not going to talk to anymore. I’m just tired of them. I’m tired of the pervasive, somewhat unintentional, effort to make me feel inferior. You know who you are. Leave me and my friends alone. Please go on your trips and do whatever, but stop making me feel guilty for having less. You don’t mean it, but you’re no longer welcome in my life. You’re a materialist fool who has no conception of anything but your own incipient greed. Go find a place where you can kill yourself. You’re no longer necessary.

God forgive me. I’ve been so difficult. I only ask for his forgiveness and peace. I don’t want to lie anymore. I want to be authentic. I want to be absolutely myself. I am so far away from God right now. I want to be with Him now. I want to be permanently united to him forever.

63

Did you have to trash-pick today? I did.

From the Archives: November 3rd, 2003

HALLOWEEN ROCKED, plain and simple. I don’t think I’ve had a cooler Halloween since a couple of years back, not since 1998, I think. Things just clicked so well together. All fun holidays should fall on Fridays. I think the joy of the holiday is boosted somewhat by the feeling of the end of the week. There was just something that went right one Friday, exactly what it was baffles me, but nevertheless it was something worth remembering. There is so much to tell. Let me begin chronologically.

‘Round the middle of the afternoon I went out from the Library where I was doing research and discovered a crowd of people assembled on the Promenade in front of W building. Turns out it was Oktoberfest and there was this really cheesy band playing old Green Day songs. I thought, “what are all these people doing here?” One of the perks of going to a nationally accredited technical school is the publicity. I swear the Student Life office goes overboard when these things come around. I wonder what they’ll be doing for Thanksgiving. SO here I am, walking, putting on some kind of false confidence, when Joanna comes up, all dressed up in white pancake and false blood, painted like some doll from the Sandwich Islands, and begins to talk to me. Turns out this has been going on for HOURS! I remembered seeing something like this earlier in the day, but helas, I did not reckon it well. So I continued onward for a while, being that I was headed off to what I thought was my Biology class. I headed off for U Building but when I realized that class had been cancelled I begrudgingly walked back to W Building, and then, disgruntled, I fucked over my other classes and decided to head to the dorms.

On my way to W Building I found RJ and Carlos and they asked me where I was going. I told them that I was possibly heading toward the dorm, to which they then said that Jeremy had abruptly decamped from there and was going home to Mission for the week-end. I said thanks, smiled and gave them God’s blessing, and then left onward to the dorms. I passed by the Old Museum, creepy, almost, fun; and then I arrived at O dorms. The place was desolate. There wasn’t a soul there. So I climbed the stairs to No. 204, found Will asleep. I told him all that was going on and he said he was missing class, because his alarm clock wasn’t working anymore. He dressed. We went back to the Commons, had lunch there and talked for a while.

Tommy and this dude I know from DORI walked in; his entourage, they clapped us and sat next to us. Will abruptly finished his lunch and then we went out to Rio Hondo to get some things at Mike’s Supermarket. Cigs, mainly, a couple of those crumby model airplanes we used to play with as little kids, and at least another twelve-pack of Dr. Pepper. I don’t know what it is with that drink and white folks, something about Texas, I remember Will telling me something like that. Prune juice that stuff is.

We came back from Rio Hondo all tired, we were listening to Mr. Bungle and a lot of Crimson, and as we got back to the dorm, Will gave me FOUR Crimson CDs, two to borrow and two to keep. Starless and Bible Black rocks. I got Crimson’s live collection, too. So after this he suggested that he take me home, and I could not resist, I was so tired. But first we went to go see Harvey. I went out to check on him at his dorm.

While I was there, knocking forever, it seemed, one of the groundsmen who tend to the dorms looked up at me and smiled. He asked me if I knew him; I said I couldn’t remember. He then said that he is my paternal cousin Gina’s husband, and that he met me last October. My aunt Pat’s son Bear also works there, he said, and that everyone on my Dad’s side of the family wanted to know where I went. I told him calmly that I’d been here since August, that everything was fine. No one responded from within Harvey’s dorm. Will found me and said hello to this relative, then we went home.

I returned Larks’ Tounges in Aspic and then Will handed me the newer CDs. I said goodbye to him and went inside, the kids were at home, and Justin was already dressed up for the evening. For three hours I waited and then for three hours more handed out candy to a lot of kids.

I watched Bram Stoker’s Dracula; then lay down on the couch and looked over my day. Then the phone rang.

It was Eric, from NC. And for the next five hours I fell in love with him. We met. He said very many beautiful things and I felt something like romance finally permeate through me, once more. He is so sweet, so wonderful. I don’t know how to go about this. There’s just something really sexy about a guy who can be honest. And non-flirtatious. I then went back to my own darkened bedroom, stripped naked and lay down. I think anyone who reads this can divine what happened. But gentlemen never tell their secrets…

The next morning I woke up refreshed, ready for more. And I’ve been that way for the last two days.

So here’s to something new, again. I hope this one works out.