78

I don’t know what’s wrong with me…I seem to like pain…

I’ve hurt someone so bad…

77

I love sociological theory!

Difficulties, difficulties…

Last night after watching “Requiem for a Dream” I went to Tim’s room figuring that Chris would be there. He wasn’t. Instead Tim was alone, sitting at his table in front of the computer, doing his work. And for some strange reason, I broke down and started crying. This had come after watching this movie, and feeling embittered and alone. Everyone has deserted me. I am no longer anyone’s favorite anymore. I can’t help complaining this time. I’m just ‘fucked up’ that way.

So I guess all the cushy little white boys were right. I guess I do complain too much. As much as I try to give people chances; as much as I try to make things good enough for myself, I end up getting shafted and it’s not fair. Alright, they tell me, if you can stay on the sidelines then you shouldn’t even be allowed to mingle with the crowd. I marvel at how people can be so happy and yet so fucking fake at the same time. You can place so much faith in only how much you buy, and want for, but yet when you go home, are you really happy? I’ve seen horrible things done to people and have managed to come out of it feeling like everyone still is out to get me. I still feel, even after therapy, that the Matt Moores are out to get me. I’m still haunted by the memories of that guy. It’s not so much that I hate him for who he is, it’s for what he represents. I don’t even want to think that if I ever become famous or popular, that I will ever be like him, or anyone else for that matter. I still want to be individual enough to still breathe.

I’m still atoning for the great sins of lying. Everyday I’m living it like a marked man. It’s a good thing now that I’m accepting more of my own truth than anything else, since I feel I can still exist and be myself without having to lie. Still, the urge to lie is undeniable. I have to catch myself sometimes. But gradually, with God’s grace, I’m getting over it. I’m finally quitting myself of these habits which have chased me down all these years. I’m learning to give up on some people and start relationships with others, better relationships, more lasting ones.

So all in all I’m still waiting on therapy and another job, which I know God in His infinite mercy and goodness will give to me. I feel somehow, though, that I’ve gone too far. I’ve been too far away from Him to feel anything anymore and perhaps that’s why I’m suffering like I am. I realize now that most of this is self-imposed, that this cross is my own. It still pains me to think of Eric, and I tear up sometimes because it’s very possible we’re probably going to be nothing but friends. I’m content with being his friend, and we’re always going to be that way, but it saddens me. We can’t have everything we want, but for that one moment we can have an idea of that happiness. It’s unfortunate, indeed, but that’s life.

Suicide is tempting right now. At least I’m feeling a little like what I used to feel like before the medication set in.

Deep down, all I want is to be loved. How hard could that be?

75

Somewhere, some day
We’ll be close together, wait and see
Oh, and by the way
This time the dream’s on me

You’ll take my hand
And you’ll look at me adoringly
But as things stand
This time the dream’s on me

It would be fun
To be certain that I’m the one
To know that I least supply the shoulder you cry upon

To see you through
Till you’re everything you want to be
It can’t be true but
This the dream’s on me

Long time no blog

I got published in a Canadian zine called Stationaery. I got a package in the mail along with a new CD and a new messenger bag informing me of the publishing. I’m so happy. This has got to be one of the happiest days of my life! This zine goes to all the great cities: Toronto, Montreal, New York City, San Francisco and Seattle, and a couple of other places too. So all in all I’m pretty happy. Things are looking up. Who knows? I might even touch somebody’s heart with my work. I’ve never really been published in a big zine before. It’s something very…I don’t know what to call it. So I guess starting off with that, things are okay for now. I’ve been through the shaker loops with everything, moneywise, a little shaken up. I recently came into some money, cashed it and bought some new clothes…and some new CDs, and some a new messenger bag. And a new hoodie. Good gear overall.

I’ve recently realized that it’s best to stop complaining all the time. So what if things go wrong? You pick up your cross and move on. Eric told me he wouldn’t want to have friends that were always down in the dumps. He says he’s only known happiness from me three or four times at the most. So to preserve the fragile bond I have between him, I’m giving more people a chance. Matt Kennedy told me that I don’t give people enough chances, and that’s why so many people have walked out on me. I don’t know. Maybe God in His great mercy and understanding took all the people that really made a difference to me to show me that something needed to change within me. Isaac left for Mexico City. CJ went to NYC. And of course, Eric went to Seattle. All in all, things have been good. I just missed my friends.

So, yes, I’m homesick. I want to go home now that spring is coming back and light and life are returning. I called Will on Saturday and told him about it; he says he wants me to finish up school and be someone. I’m his ‘hero’. I’ve never been anything like that for anyone my whole life. I didn’t think that so much rode on my existence here, and the implications thereof. I just miss WILL. I miss everything about him. I love him. And he loves me. And nothing, I realize, can ever take that away from me. I may be haunted by the former prospects of love, but at least at the end of the day, I return to William. He’s been so good to me. That’s why I love him so much.

So all in all I’m gonna be okay. I just want God to help me get through college alive.

Here’s to the afternoon.

Invitacion al otro lado

Richard got back to me late after which had been a very disheartening, oftentimes frightening day. Naval decided to make me believe I had been caught committing credit card fraud by his bank and made a practical joke out of it, for which I felt like kicking his ass. God help me. Things are very busy right now; I’m on a high. I don’t know when it’ll come to an end, but I know there will be an end. I’m scared and confused so much I can’t see a rational end to things. I talked to Mom tonight and everything is okay where she is, and I said that I was deciding on staying for the summer semesters as soon as this semester is over. What’s more is that I’m also been having dreams of certain people, and I hope things turn out okay. I’m feeling suddenly creative.

168

MY G-d how things are so slow right now. I’m waiting to go to the Wal-Mart and get some stuff for the Super Bowl Party. Derek and Louis are supposed to be going with me, in addition to our mutual friend Mark. Anyway I wish things would hurry up. Mark’s darling girlfriend’s to have a party tonight and I’m invited–I know, a REAL party and everything. How cool is that?

Last night I stayed up and waited for Joe to call me. I seriously think I’m beginning to have significant feelings for him. He had to go take his brother across the mountain to some kind of event, and since his father was at a billiards tourney, he decided to call me. I like his voice. It’s something that comforts me, too. I’m not sure how much time left we have with one another but I appreciate him nonetheless…and I do love him…

I got about 1,087.00 from the government and from my tuition loan people, and I’m using it for some clothes and some books. I’m also thinking of buying that 10 CD set of Steve Reich’s works. That and a couple more CDs to fill up my collection and whatnot. But I also need new clothes, which was why I was planning to go to the nearest mall or something to get some things, like cologne. I’ve worked hard to stay in college and I deserve new clothes.

Anyway, everyone’s abandoned me and I don’t feel as alone as I perhaps used to feel. Eric’s in Seattle, CJ’s in NYC, Isaac’s in Mexico City and it sucks. But at least I’m meeting new people now and getting out alot more than I’ve used to.

Midnight Discourse

Adrien kissed me today on webcam. I love it when he does that. I feel like he really cares for me in a way that makes me unafraid of whatever’s holding me back. I had a dream about him once that he interpreted today. I dreamt once that I was in some theater or something and that he was dancing to my music (one of my ballet pieces). He cleaned up and took my hand and smiled at me. And just before we were to go backstage, I woke up. Adrien went into this big discourse about what the dream meant–and I must admit, he uncovered some fears about where I want to take this relationship that I have with him. I know for a fact that there is a good chance that what I’m hoping for will probably never happen, that we will never be like Cage and Cunningham, but I know that we will be friends forever. And granted we don’t have the same interests or whatever, but at least we’re in the same category of thinking. I like Adrien alot and he likes me too. And I don’t think I’m going to fuck anything up by making any grand claims.

Needless to say, I think I’m in a bit of a spot here nonetheless.

I finished up another section from “The Seasons” for guitar and flute. Winter II is made up strums and long phrases from the flute, and I incorporated some off notes and things like that to give it some color. I wanted “Winter II” to give the impression of some romantic scene–a log cabin and a fire, and a big knit blanket and the smell of cinnamon-spiced apple cider. You know, something romantic. My hopes is to finish up the ballet soon and get all the holes filled in. I have one more season to go–spring–and I don’t know what to write about when it comes to that. Hopefully I’ll get this thing up and running and maybe I can post my MIDIs here.

It’s getting late so I have to run. Thanks for listening.