My friend Adrien

The Ornamental Light-Years Tracery

Eric’s recent absence has made me think twice about what he means to me and how I see things as they are. Adrien finally made me realize something that was both earth-shattering and also something that was very revelatory to me. I feel now, that things with Eric are at a standstill. I know he doesn’t love me. I’ve made my peace with that somehow, but it’s strange because I still don’t know how to process my feelings for him in a meaningful way. I don’t want to think of us as just friends, because my feelings for him are so much more than that. It’s crazy, you know. Before all of this, I used to feel that there was nothing beyond Eric. I don’t even really know him all that well and here I am fucking myself over for love. I guess that’s how desperate I am. I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know if he’s still alive, even. Eric had threatened to kill himself because he’s so ‘miserable’ in Seattle. He says he’s tired of the world, and I think I can understand why. He’s turning 26 and he’s no longer feeling young. I think it’s perfectly understandable, and perfectly reasonable. I remember when he used to be so happy to see and talk to me. But I think I’ve worried and wondered about him, and for me I think it’s best we just be friends. Besides, I have other romantic interests now, and new friends. For one, there’s Patrick, a handsome 27 year old lawyer living in the City, who I’ve been talking to. I would really like to get serious sometime with him, not because he’s wealthy or anything like that, but for the fact that he likes me. More than that; he likes my work. And when someone takes that into account, there’s just something there that’s undeniable, and I’m willing to go for it. I believe more than ever, now, is the time to take advantage of the opportunities at hand. So much is going well for me, but there’s so much I need to work on. I’ve stopped taking my pills for once and all. They’ve been a constant creative block and I’m not going to sacrifice my creativity for my sanity. Fuck it. If I go crazy I can always kill myself. I’m going to make sure that I make it, that I become what I aim to become without all the pretense and the pretentiousness, without the inaneness that defines my generation. I want so much from the world; I want to experience it and finally let go of this anger and resentment that’s fucked me up for all these years. I think this is the most rational decision I’ve made in awhile. Anyway, the Salt Lake City public library recently selected The Book of Harmonies for inclusion in their library. For ziners, that’s the best you can do. I’m so excited to be sending in a special copy of Harmonies, and also invitational ‘press releases’ for my other zines, Invito al Cielo and American Drone. It’s something that I wasn’t even expecting. So I’m proud I have got that under my belt. Now, for the world!

Look What You’ve Done

Eric’s recent absence has made me think twice about what he means to me and how I see things as they are. Adrien finally made me realize something that was both earth-shattering and also something that was very revelatory to me. I feel now, that things with Eric are at a standstill. I know he doesn’t love me. I’ve made my peace with that somehow, but it’s strange because I still don’t know how to process my feelings for him in a meaningful way. I don’t want to think of us as just friends, because my feelings for him are so much more than that. It’s crazy, you know. Before all of this, I used to feel that there was nothing beyond Eric. I don’t even really know him all that well and here I am fucking myself over for love. I guess that’s how desperate I am. I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know if he’s still alive, even. Eric had threatened to kill himself because he’s so ‘miserable’ in Seattle. He says he’s tired of the world, and I think I can understand why. He’s turning 26 and he’s no longer feeling young. I think it’s perfectly understandable, and perfectly reasonable. I remember when he used to be so happy to see and talk to me. But I think I’ve worried and wondered about him, and for me I think it’s best we just be friends. Besides, I have other romantic interests now, and new friends. For one, there’s Patrick, a handsome 27 year old lawyer living in the City, who I’ve been talking to. I would really like to get serious sometime with him, not because he’s wealthy or anything like that, but for the fact that he likes me. More than that; he likes my work. And when someone takes that into account, there’s just something there that’s undeniable, and I’m willing to go for it. I believe more than ever, now, is the time to take advantage of the opportunities at hand. So much is going well for me, but there’s so much I need to work on. I’ve stopped taking my pills for once and all. They’ve been a constant creative block and I’m not going to sacrifice my creativity for my sanity. Fuck it. If I go crazy I can always kill myself. I’m going to make sure that I make it, that I become what I aim to become without all the pretense and the pretentiousness, without the inaneness that defines my generation. I want so much from the world; I want to experience it and finally let go of this anger and resentment that’s fucked me up for all these years. I think this is the most rational decision I’ve made in awhile. Anyway, the Salt Lake City public library recently selected The Book of Harmonies for inclusion in their library. For ziners, that’s the best you can do. I’m so excited to be sending in a special copy of Harmonies, and also invitational ‘press releases’ for my other zines, Invito al Cielo and American Drone. It’s something that I wasn’t even expecting. So I’m proud I have got that under my belt. Now, for the world!

St. Patrick’s Day

As I wait for the summer I thought I would update a little. Well, it’s official, folks: I’m burnt out. I’m done for. I’m fucked. I tried to set pen to paper in my short story, but nothing would come out. Wesley called and told me to give it some time; that things should otherwise come around again, but there’s little to no hope of me ever recovering what I had left. At least I think so. The whole world just feels…numb, or something like it. I don’t really ever think about things like I used to.

Well, for the most part I spent Spring Break alone, in my residence hall, either looking for something to eat or eating something I found, visiting my friends who had decided to stay, or listening to some new music over the Internet. I miss people like William and Isaac, my two best friends, who used to have so much fun with me over a period of months. I also miss Javier very much. He works as a telemarketer for a religious institution. Javier is an atheist (or agnostic) and I find it funny that he does such a job. I really miss him alot.

Eric messaged me about two weeks ago. He says he’s miserable in Seattle and that he was going to kill himself. I don’t know about that. I guess since it’s his decision, he should be happy with it. But I think he’s feeling the same way I was feeling when I first came here: bored, alone and unhappy. Maybe it’s people like us that are unhappy everywhere. It makes me love him more, I guess. I think about him sometimes and think what it would be like if he loved me in return. Then I wake up to reality and realize he loves me just as a friend, and that’s all that’s gonna happen. I bet he isn’t really attracted to me physically.

Anyway, for the most part, my thoughts turn to Joe in Utah. He told me he loved me, and I’m going to make sure that I see him before whatever it is that’s killing him finally finishes him off. He’s all alone up there. I wonder what it would be like if his family knew about me and him…

Anyway, I thought I would just update here, since there’s nothing going on in my life at the moment, except my terrible unhappiness…(chrrt)