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Big Update…

I guess I should update here more often. To be quite honest I haven’t had the time, as so much has happened. When I left Lubbock, so much occured that I wasn’t really able to make sense of the great transition that had happened. To be terribly honest with anyone who reads this journal for a living (the few that you are)my life has been something of a continual transition from one world to the next, from one dimension to another.

When I left I had no one to help me–no one, except for my boyfriend Ryan, whose picture I’ve included below. He was gracious enough to have me in several hotel rooms for the couple of days I was gone from the dorm, since they wouldn’t let me stay for the whole week. I feel guilty even now because of this, since he really didn’t have to do it. I cried the night he bought the room for me, since I felt so bad at the fact that he had spent something like $300 for just a couple of days holed up at some cheap hotel room, so I could stay safe and sound until my parents came. Mom wanted to go right away, since the whole suicide fiasco which had doomed my stay at Sneed Hall. But my father, who had a gig the night I was to leave, insisted on staying because of business. Needless to say she was a wreck when she made it up to Lubbock, and not to mention very angry with me on account of the desperate things that I had done.

My friendships have remained relatively intact. Although Ryan and I aren’t together anymore, we still talk every day or so–so I can keep in touch with him, and ‘have him all to myself’. This hasn’t worked out as I had planned. He’s seeing Kyle–the Kyle that I used to live down the hall from–and no doubt they’re up to something. When I called Ryan on my birthday to talk to him he said he had just come home from being with Kyle at his apartment. I didn’t know how exactly to take it. I really had fallen in love with Ryan to the point of giving up something that had held me down–my common sense. But I think he’s just gone ahead and proved that great old adage about men: you can’t be sure you know them well enough until you’ve been schtupped by them. I think that about says it right. I’m more cynical now. I don’t believe I’ll really ever love anyone exactly like I did Ryan, and I don’t think there is such a thing as true love anymore. Everyone seems to have an agenda. Ryan said over the phone when we were breaking up that nothing really significant happened over when I was in Lubbock, and that there was nothing to worry about it, and that was it. And then he says something like, ‘I don’t know what I want.’. What the fuck? You’re 27 and you can’t figure out what you want? And they said I needed to grow up. \

I guess you can’t really be petty about these kind of things. You really have to learn to let go. I remember every one of those people who have really shaped me through this fact. I admit I can’t stand most of them. I admit there’s nothing I can really do about that. But part of me somehow wishes to have everyone who’s ever screwed me over to pay. I want everyone to suffer. But I can only wait for this in God’s time–I tried praying for God’s justice to descend on people. One person that I did pray for justice for was Isaac. He left a little casual message on my answering machine saying that I need to call him. I called him back to talk to him. He said that he wasn’t disappointed in me and that I would just have to try harder to stick up for myself the next time. I pussied out. I let him hear what he wanted to hear. And then afterwards, I thought to myself, ‘I’m such a dumbass for listening to this guy.’ I resolved then and there to have nothing more to do with that man, and so far, he hasn’t come back. I’m quite sure I’m never going to see him ever again.

But there are still people who stick around and who’ve helped me through everything that’s befallen me. My mother and little brother especially. They’ve really made an effort to convince me to really take responsibility for what I have and open up to the opportunities life has presented me. I think I will. I just recently celebrated my birthday on the 24th of July and it was quiet. My friend William couldn’t come so I didn’t get to go out much. Aside from everything else, everything passed by so quickly and quietly that I really haven’t enjoyed it all that much. I guess that’s to be expected.

One thing I’m really proud of is the fact that I don’t have to lie or put on airs anymore. I’m not really bound by anything–no contracts or agreements, and I can say the truth and really profess it, and I don’t have to face the judgemental sides of people anymore. Part of it I will admit belongeed to some form of mental gratification, in which attention was desired to have more self-control. I’m learning to let go of people that I don’t like or who have hurt me. I have said their names in prayer and asked the LORD to rid them from my sight, to drive them away, to break their wagging tongues and their machinations. I will never have to deal with their awful reputations, and I can finally live in peace without any pretense whatsoever.

I’ve learned so much since I started up therapy again. I have a really good therapist named Dr. Miller who really does think I’m special and bright. I also have really good friends like Patrick who don’t want me to give up. I’m never giving up. I want to be the best person I can be, and do it with grace and dignity. I think inevitably, with the LORD’s help, I will.