An offering on Arnold Schoenberg

Schoenberg suffered from triskaidekaphobia (fear of the number thirteen); it is said that the reason his late opera is called Moses and Aron, rather than Moses and Aaron (the correct spelling with two As) is because the latter spelling has thirteen letters in it. He was born (and, it turned out, died) on the thirteenth of the month, and thought of this as a portent. He once refused to rent a house because it had the number 13, and feared turning 76, because its digits add up to thirteen. In an interesting story, it is believed that he feared Friday, July 13, 1951, as it was the first Friday the 13th of his 76th year. He reportedly stayed in bed that day preparing for what he thought as his death day. After begging her husband to wake up and “quit his nonsense,” his skeptical wife was shocked to find that her husband in fact had died that day he had long feared, as he uttered the word “harmony” and died. His time of death was 11:47 p.m., 13 minutes until midnight.

–Wikipedia’s entry on Arnold Schoenberg

Some offerings from various spiritual writers

Ancient Voices
Current mood: pleased
Category: Life

“God is nameless, for no man can either say or understand aught about Him. If I say, God is good, it is not true; nay more; I am good, God is not good. I may even say, I am better than God; for whatever is good, may become better, and whatever may become better, may become best. Now God is not good, for He cannot become better. And if He cannot become better, He cannot become best, for these three things, good, better, and best, are far from God, since He is above all. If I also say, God is wise, it is not true; I am wiser than He. If I also say, God is a Being, it is not true; He is transcendent Being and superessential Nothingness. Concerning this St. Augustine says: the best thing that man can say about God is to be able to be silent about Him, from the wisdom of his inner judgement. Therefore be silent and prate not about God, for whenever thou dost prate about God, thou liest, and committest sin. If thou wilt be without sin, prate not about God. Thou canst understand nought about God, for He is above all understanding. A master saith: If I had a God whom I could understand, I would never hold Him to be God.”

“People should not worry as much about what they do but rather about what they are. If they and their ways are good, then their deeds are radiant. If you are righteous, then what you do will also be righteous. We should not think that holiness is based on what we do but rather on what we are, for it is not our works which sanctify us but we who sanctify our works.”

–Meister Eckhardt (13th century mystical theologian)

“The universe is one seamless work. It was created as a unity. Thus, we can say that all subsequent events were contingent upon the prime event in the universe–that is, when God said, ‘Let there be light.’ All other events were unifying. The most beautiful aspect is that the universe is infinitely elegant, working in multiple levels and in multiple dimensions. Therefore we cannot say that the invisible world has an end, since the invisible world extends for myriads of distance. Even then, there is no center and no end. It is as the hem of God’s garments: they are mysterious, since no one ever has seen them, and no one probably ever will. Thus we can only contemplate the idea of them, and make rational conclusions as to what their dimensions consist of. So it is with the all-encompassing love of God; it is only by shutting our eyes to the finite that we can view the world as infinitely beautiful.”

–Kabbalah (Moses Maimonides)

The end of the world will occur in this fashion: when people abandon one another and God in pursuit of their own selfish interests, leaving work behind for pastime and divertiment, following their own road to self-destruction; secondly, when the various leaders of empires see such abandon and ruin and turn against their own cabinets and departmental leaders, blaming them for the disarray; and thirdly, when the human heart becomes a bleak place, loving all that is material and low, and aspiring not to God and His infinite mercy and goodness. Nature, which is the gauge of the human heart, will turn her most beautiful face away from people, leaving them to suffer at the will of God’s judgement. In the last days there will be tumults, riots, executions, depositions, family disagreements and quarrels, demonstrations of power, much bloodshed and despair. But these are the results of the decadences of men. Nature herself will deign the following: earthquakes and tumults, tremors, drastic sea changes and landslides, tempests and storms over sea and land, causing much destruction, violent and ill winds all about, blasting the countryside with cold and destructive winds, and in the winter causing much devastation, hailstorms, droughts, blights against grains, frosts and extreme cold, and many other things that have not been mentioned to me. But we should not be worried when all of this will happen insofar as we should be concerned why it happens, for it will happen when mankind refuses to respect himself and his neighbor and when he turns his face away from the Most High.

–Ven. Andreas de Kimmel, 15th century mystic

 Friend, have you forgotten about how important you are to others? Do you know how capable you are of making a difference in someone’s life? You yourself are filled with gifts and talents that are unique to you. No man can take that away from you, nor can anyone best you in any way. Have you realized how important you are to your loved ones, friends, and admirers? You are infinitely loved by all the people who love you and whom you chose to return that love. You have so much promise. All you have to do is unlock the potential within you in which you can reciprocate all these things, and more. The more you love, the more you will be loved in return.

–Anonymous, Consolations (c. 18th or 19th centuries)

Do not look forward in fear to the changes in life;
rather, look to them with full hope that as they arise,
God, whose very own you are,
will lead you safely through all things;
and when you cannot stand it,
God will carry you in His arms.

Do not fear what may happen tomorrow;
the same understanding Father who cares for
you today will take care of you then and every day.

He will either shield you from suffering
or will give you unfailing strength to bear it.
Be at peace,
and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginations.

–St. Francis de Sales (16th century bishop, counselor and writer)

From the archives: October 15th, 2003

A cosmic emergency…

We had a little bit of an astronomical emergency today; I opened up my e-mail to find a forwarded message from the good doctor to me concerning something of a shock to us astronomers. A gamma-ray burst in some god-forsaken corner of the universe just rife with destructive activity, something’s coming up there that’s billions of years old and is mad as hell. Other than that I’ve been shitting my pants all this morning in anticipation of my biology test, which by the way I did NOT study for. Yay for me, I guess, the procrastinating young man with a chip on his shoulder. Time travel seems to be the most elective of things right now, I need to go back and do so much right now. I cried again after Jim and I got off the telephone, I’m so lonely. And after acting like a jack-ass towards everyone yesterday I’m not surprised. For someone who touts himself as a mature, physically developed sédateur, I marvel at how silly I can be sometimes. I like to be serious–extraordinarily serious–but sometimes I just find myself making the strangest comments and saying the most ridiculous things. All that book-learning really IS a front. I’m just falling apart on the inside, I’m hemorrhaging common sense and sensibility. Why am I not in a Jane Austen novella? Anyway, I have no clean underwear, the washing machine is broken and I’m wearing day-old pants that smell like spaghetti sauce. I was at Will’s house yesterday, Jeremy was supposed to come with us, but as you all here know, he has his other interests and ‘affairs’, namely his big dumbass friends who ogle girls and make uncompromising remarks of them. I don’t know why; why on this sacred planet of ours would ANYBODY want to do such a disrespectful thing? I for one have never done it, at least publicly. Oh, yeah, I’ll say, “That guy’s fucking hot as fuck”, but I actually won’t say it out loud and call attention to it. So anyway I think Jeremy was with like R.J. or somebody, I couldn’t care less. But on the way to Rio Hondo I noticed that Will wasn’t his usual, conversative, enjoyable, self. I noticed that he was in one of his moods, his petulant silences, where all he does is nod and say that things are okay, when they really aren’t. The scary thing is everyday I am finding him much more desireable, he’s like a ’straight boyfriend’, I guess; we’re really not boyfriends, of course, but we could be. I’m kind of in the Danny mode right now, I’m looking at my friends as expressions of something of an unvalidated love. I think I’m slowly beginning to become delusional. Jim and I were both tired last night when he called, and for about an hour or so there was a diaolgue, a conversation, something that we talked about and then hung up afterwards. I’m tired now, I love Jim so much but I still don’t want to fuck this thing up, besides, I might be moving soon so things are, of course, up in the air. As for going to visit him I know I let him down in some ways, he even told me so. How is that when you’re falling in love with the man of your dreams (I really mean it this time) that everything just seems to fall apart? Romance and me is like mixing a high-energy neutron star with a low-mass quasar: in the end all you have is a dissonant mix of antimatter and dark matter, all swirling together in a black hole. Go figure. I love Jim, I want to be with him. But I also love the other men in my life, I want to be with them, also. I am desperately searching for a father figure, something that tells me it’s all right to feel this way. I recieved the body of Christ in sin, I am in the midst of exams and the cosmos is waging war with this planet. Plus, three Americans were killed in the Gaza Strip of all places. What is the universe coming to? And all the while, I am still searching for love. I know that if I step off into madness, or what seems like it, then I’ve gone against something, like an unspoken law or something like that. I’ve fucked around with guys’ feelings for the past two years. Don’t I somehow deserve to be punished for it? I don’t like to lie to guys anymore, because I know how difficult it is with men down here. I don’t wear drag, I don’t go clubbing and I CERTAINLY don’t indulge in anonymous sex with multiple partners. So Sodom and Gomorrah goes bumping off down the road, all naked appendages sticking out of the wagon, its speakers blasting cheesy rave music. Meanwhile, I continue down the country road, with my hands across my back, and I am looking up. Always looking up. I somehow feel I wasn’t made for dating men, that my real love is the universe and astronomy. So am I a nerd? No, not exactly. I don’t stay pent up in my rooms reading the latest swashbuckling novel set in some weird Middle-Ages knockoff, I don’t play Dungeons and Dragons, and I don’t–I’ll be fucking damned if I do–watch the Power Rangers and pretend I’m somehow a sidekick to some twenty-something actor rounding the kids’ circuit looking for his/her big break. I prefer the wonders of nature, I love life now, I can’t leave it, suicide would be the ultimate failure. I look around me and I see such beauty, such pervasive beauty!It’s the only thing that’s truly free, the only thing I can actually afford. Somehow I believe that whatever life holds for me, I just have to look a bit deeper and dig harder to find it. China doesn’t seem to terribly far now, either. I will probably be dead or living well in the next five years. So yes, I can accept death and what it holds, I’m not afraid of the darkness anymore. I think struggling with something so grave like a mental illness is something that indeed takes a lifetime to understand. Pills won’t do it, as much as one may so desperately want them, but we discover that is only one part of the equation. For example: I love being with Will, LOVE BEING WITH HIM, but I want Jeremy around, too. Without Jeremy I feel like we’re a trike with no third wheel: we need all three wheels to keep on rolling. The same thing with my family. I have always wanted someone who could tell me how to be a man, not how to fuck up and just make an excuse for it. And I wonder how that’s uniquely possible, Mom’s not interested in men, she’s too old date (and she herself has said it). I don’t want to fall in love, I don’t want to do this anymore. Can’t we all say to ourselves, ‘Don’t torture yourself, you’re only going to hurt yourself in the end.’? Of course not. Why? Because we have to do our jobs as humans, we have to procreate. Imagine: just 32 little chromosones and you’re fucked for life. Your parents hit you, they say rude and awful things to you, you hit them back by coming out of the closet, you build up a defense mechanism and finally overcome it, only to find out you’re somehow afflicted with mental illness and suicide would be the perfect device. Then you look at the bright side. You see the trees, the flowers, the fungi, all the little critters and protists and galaxies and then realize HOW WORTH IT it all is. And then there’s something trivial as your own hormones calling out to you to do what your parents did. To think! This has been going on for almost 100,000 years! Life, everything we know of, all evolved from one single eukaryotic cell in the thick primoridiae of some God-forsaken swamp. And all this, everything came out of the flick and flutter of dark matter and a coulple of hydrogen molecules seconds into the Big Bang, God, whatever you want to call it. It’s the game of the millennium. And us humanity is till in the dark about it.

I guess that’s the true beauty of it, why we’re here, why it’s so important to love. As Carl Sagan once quipped, ‘In all our searching, the only thing we found that made the emptiness bearable is each other’. And it is in that spirit that life and love roll on together, and I roll, too, towards my heavenly reward.

‘And Triumph over Death, and Thee, O Time…’

Choir class was fun today. I kept on singing A’s when I should have been singing C’s. Dr. Munn said that instead of us singing Handel it sounded more like we were singing Vaughn-Williams. That was funny. It hasn’t been the first time since that has happened. I’m actually glad that things are going surprisingly well this morning. I aced my listening skills test, the first passing grade in music theory that I’ve had this year. I’m surprised since this really has never happened before. I hope the good grades continue and I do well. I may not be the most adept at music, but I believe in myself and I’m going to try harder to make a passing grade.

Things were good with the boys last night. I had to call Ryan so I used Cassie’s phone, but when that ran out I went up and asked Derek if I could use his. Of course he consented and I talked to Ryan just outside of Derek’s dorm. Ryan is considering moving to Presidio, some little town near Big Bend, to work there. I asked him why he had decided to go to such a little town, since there’s really nothing out there but brush country and illegal aliens. He said there was an opening for some little teaching gig there, since the person who was last there had died rather young. The wonderful thing between him and me is that so much of what we’ve got just got better. On Sunday night I called him up because we were both feeling lonesome and he said he loved me. It took him so long to say that, but it means so much to me. At last I don’t have to feel awkward because I tell it to him so much. Actually I’m still in debt to Ryan, about $300. He’s been really patient with me so far. I hope it continues. I intend to pay him back once I get all my financial aid is in order and I’m able to pay off everything. I’m still thinking about maybe buying a computer for school, which I need since I can’t seem to stay away from the computer lab lately. I haven’t been studying all too much. I should, though. I really need to learn my scales for a big test coming up.

With summer over and a new season commencing, I think I should be able to cope really well with the changes that have been taking place in my life and in the lives of others. Things are so different from what they used to be a year ago. I still remember those Saturday mornings at the dorm at Texas Tech, and how empty they would be because everyone was at the football games. Last night I called up Chris Freyburger, to see how he was doing. That boy is something else. He told me he’s got someone new in his life, and he’s trying new things. He’s doing the same thing I did when I was there in Lubbock. He told me about some guy that he had slept with, a guy named Topher or something; some guy with long hair. Things seem so weird since he’s done so much with his life, compared to me, who hasn’t taken advantage (as usual) of certain things that are holding me back from my true potential. He was a freshman last year and now he’s a junior. He told me that that scares him. I said to him, ‘You have to roll with the punches.’

To me that whole world seems forever stuck in time, since the day I left Lubbock. I still remember kissing Ryan for the last time the morning I left. Sometimes I think I’m never going to see him again, but I still believe and hope that inevitably we’ll be together again, and I’ll be kissing him again. I loved his body–how it felt against mine–and the way he used to say things, and what we used to talk about. I remember having so many conversations with him in such a small period of time. It was almost unreal. Even now I wish for that. I want him to move down here, so we can be together. I mean, there are so many possibilities here, more so than in any other part of the state. And of course I love him and I want to be with him.

But I realize that I have to put away those dreams and ideas, and stick to what I’ve got. At least for now. Everything will happen, but these things take time. In my soul, I know I will be granted at least that peace.

Inutil Paisagem

Mas pra que
Pra que tanto céu
Pra que tanto mar,
Pra que
De que serve esta onda que quebra
E o vento da tarde
De que serve a tarde
Inútil paisagem
Pode ser
Que não venhas mais
Que não venhas nunca mais
De que servem as flores que nascem
Pelo caminho
Se o meu caminho
Sozinho é nada
É nada
É nada

100

You Are a Bloody Mary

You’re a fairly serious drinker, who’s experimented a lot with different drinks. You’re a drunk, but a stable drunk. You don’t ever let your drinking get out of control.

What Mixed Drink Are You?

High Drama/Time Remembered

I reached the end of my peak this week. I’m somewhat relieved, though for the most part I’m still plagued with a feeling of overkill and rush. I can’t really describe it; it feels like the whole world is coming down around me and I can’t really do anything to prevent it. It’s becoming more apparent in my personal relationships. So I did what I needed to do. I took three Abilify, a whole bottle of spring water, said ‘I love you’ to everyone, and shut myself up in my room, so I could fight off the sense of rush. I was restless all last night until around five-thirty; I slept and arose at one in the afternoon. I walked to lunch, discovered that the dining hall was closed, and then walked back to the dorm, sat with Breez, and talked.

Last night the boys went out to a local frat party. I excluded myself from the whole affair, saying that my meds would not react well to the presence of alcohol–and I think everyone knows how much of a whiskey whore I am. At lunchtime Amado said to me, ‘I don’t want to see you get stupid if you go.’ Breez told me that upon arriving they were quickly hied away, and the group later decided to retire with Brandon, Chacho’s friend. They regrouped at his house, which is near the dorm.

‘It would have been nice if you had gone,’ Breez said to me. ‘You should have seen Amado. He had been taking pure vodka shots.’ I find it ironic and maybe a little perjorative that Amado, who is the paragon of discretion and watchfulness in our group, could be so wild. I attribute that to his sense of himself, which I think needs a little fun now and then. He reminds me of Paul, my little brother. This is what Paul would do.

In fact I’ve been feeling somewhat detached from Amado as of late. He predicted several weeks ago that he would probably have to bow out of the scene for awhile to regroup and recharge and be by himself, because, in his words, ‘I would just get sick of seeing you.’ I think this is what is happening. I think that Amado is ready to move on to other people and other situations for a little while. Which is no problem with me. Besides, I think he’s gotten rather tired of me now. Which of course is understandable. I think everyone has tired of me to a certain extent–it’s part of the territory! I also think that I need to take some time off and think about what my priorities are for awhile. I think cutting myself off from the group for awhile will be beneficial. I think everyone needs downtime.

I’ve only heard from Adrien once this week, and it was while I was composing. I’m sure with the way things are now between us–and with the way he thinks of me–that it’s preferable to just leave him alone and let him continue working with what he’s got. I’m not bitter or angry at him, I think this is what needed to happen to save who we were as friends. At least I’m not feeling so bad anymore. I still have some significant philosophical and ethical questions left over from the whole fight. I still don’t understand what he meant by saying that I was playing the victim, and that I was being irresponsible with my life, and that I was always going to be that way. He said that I was always playing the victim. I think the jury’s still out on that one. People know me here. I take everything with a grain of salt.

As the circle of our friends tightens and I’m quietly being handed my hat, I’m looking for other ways to ensure that I have some ways of release–or exposure. I don’t know what to do sometimes. I’m afraid to make my trademark Joseph-isms because people get so easily disgusted by them. Amado in particular. Sometimes he’ll look at me with look that befits the phrase that he employs as his raison d’etre: ‘What the fuck?’ And of course I can say nothing, cause I love the kid so much. But Friday he was unusually piquant, and I actually retorted back. I don’t think I’ve ever done that before.

I’m very careful with Amado. His personality, I recognize, has become somewhat agitated as of late. Anything I say to him seems to be handed back to me with some strange retort. I asked to see him in private, just to have a private conversation with him. I like having conversations with him when we’re alone because he’s alot more up front than he is in public. I think his main problem is that he holds too much in, which he’s said on more than one occasion. But this time he was reluctant to say anything, and when I confronted him about it he said, ‘Goddamn, Joe, what the fuck is your problem? You’ve asked to see me for five straight days now.’

I feel pretty inept now. Almost powerless. I went to bed last night feeling like there was no purpose to my life, as if I had accomplished nothing. And in some respects, I haven’t. I’m still weak and wilful, and of course I’m still somewhat unstable. I feel like I can’t control my behavior anymore, and I’m waiting for the next bad thing to happen to me. I’m really scared. Sometimes I feel like I can’t keep it together.

I wrote in my Intersections that the material of the past is the fodder of the future. If this is true, then I can say that everything that has happened to me forms parts of what is to come. The Kaballah and St. Augustine both agree that choices are the fundamental act in which we define who were are and what exactly we do. Since we ourselves are thinking, rational beings, it only seems logical to follow a course of action that reflects our past. It is only by breaking the mold, and striking out on a new course, that we can liberate ourselves from the ennui of wasted existence.

Statement on Homosexuality

Statement on Homosexuality

I just recently recieved a request for a text speaking about my relationship with my homosexuality, ‘gay pride’, and its correlation to my work. It was written some time ago but I have updated it and posted it here for the public’s consideration. It repeats some of what has been said above and some of what has been said below. Feel free to comment.

One time I went with some friends to a gay bar. I am not the one usually to participate in these nighttime excursions, but I wondered what it must be like to attend one of these social events. Arriving there, I noticed the great number of people that were lined up to get into the club. We queued. One of the other men there, turning back and looking at me said, ‘Well, you don’t belong here, now do you?’

I think that for most of my life I haven’t really belonged to any one set of ideas or opinions. In fact, most of my life I have been living on the outskirts of what people might call ‘convention’. This has become a choice for me. So it is with my personal life. I have stayed out of the ideologies and opinions of the homosexual community because it bears nothing on me. Furthermore, I am not committed to their personal or politcal values either. I recently said this to someone gay, and he said in retort to me, ‘Well, we wouldn’t want you either. Just look at you.’

I’m actually quite apathetic about the whole thing. My music does not reflect homosexual ideas and values, and I have strove to rid myself of any such connotation. It is not because I am ashamed, or in hiding of my orientation and its bearing upon my personal life. I believe that firstly and foremostly an artist must strive to remove himself from the media of his work, thereby removing any such subjective meanings and implications to be found therein.

I find it amusing indeed that we assign meaning to something that doesn’t understand itself, to begin with. Something that calls itself inclusive and understanding and caring and yet isolates, ridicules, statifies and immobilzes individuals, without any pretext is simply inconceivable. I have found statification in gay culture particularly interesting. I had a heated discussion with one of my friends, who is also a homosexual, about the subject. He said to me that none of his friends would ever do that to any individual were such a situation to transpire. I said to him, ‘Look at who you associate with. It’s not like you have a diverse crowd among you.’

One thing that particularly irks me is what I like to call ‘body-fascism’. I think that existence in a materialistic culture defines trust in the way we look as a means of interpersonal attraction. That is to say, we depend more on how we look as individuals rather than on the personal qualities contained in the person. This has been a problem for me for as long as I can remember. I was fascinated in observing the actions at several ‘gay pride’ events in the cities that I have lived and worked in. To me they seemed rather superficial. And I have noticed that if someone does not exactly ‘fit into’ a category, they are harshly rejected from the community. This is what happened to me and many other people over the years. Since then I have detached myself from the mainstream.

Materialism is the main problem. It seems that no one is ever really happy in the community, so they turn to things that can make them happy, superficially. It can be a variety of things, or it can be a combination of things. I was talking recently to a friend of mine who went to the Castro in San Francisco. He stayed with several individuals who took him out through various excursions through the district at night. He later said to me, ‘It’s always clothes, money, bodies and sex with these people. I think you get the point.’

Even now I am confronted with my own experiences with gay men. My cousin Mark, for example. He lives in Cedar Park, Texas, a suburb of Austin. I had a conversation with him not too long ago, and we talked extensively about gay culture. He said to me, trying to convince me that I was resentful for gay culture based on the way I look. I said to him, ‘That isn’t something that affects me.’ He said, ‘then why do you feel so bad about it, if you don’t need anyone’s approval?’ I said to him, ‘There’s no real pride in gay culture. All it is is just a front because people believe in nothing but a lie. How can we possibly say, as gay men, that we can be inclusive, when we hate and isolate people based on body type alone?’

The fundamental question that relates to me is how I get along with the gay community. Like I said, I don’t have a functional relationship with the community and therefore don’t stand up for what it believes in mainly for the problems of stratification and body-fascism, and of course materialism. I feel I don’t have to look good for anybody, that I’m really okay just the way that I am, and that I am foremostly a person with good physical attributes and an intellect that questions the authority. Exactly who said that we have to prostitute ourselves for the sake of popularity? Most gay men want to be fit, I believe, because they believe something is deficient in them. This goes for me, too. I started lifting because I thought that people wouldn’t be attracted to me because I was so heavy all the time. Even now, after all the lifting I’ve done, I’ve realized the standards are too high.

I once talked to someone about all of this. He wrote to me, ‘Who could love you? You’re not attractive. You may be intelligent, and that could help you along with life, but in the gay world, men look for sexuality, and not whether you can write out a sonata or not. What could you possibly be of promise? You write music that people find difficult and noisy. Not to mention it’s fringe…so I ask you, who do you think could love you?’

Despite all his insults, I was gracious. I wrote back to him:

‘I appreciated your letter…I must say that while I am single at the moment, people have loved me. There are those who even now declare love to me, notwithstanding God. I am not a sexual person. While I do enjoy it, I am not sexual. I have promise, but it will be more than you have ever done. I know I am loved and always will be.’

The end of the world

Tonight Adrien and I had a conversation about where we stand, in general. He had decided to appear in Messenger asking about how I was, and how I was doing, and for the most part to state his opinions and feelings on the last blog I wrote. It was part of a requested text on homosexuality that someone had asked for several days ago. Certain events occurred that contributed to the overall negative feel of the text.

I think Adrien has had enough of me. I think that’s to be expected. In fact, I was waiting for it all along. I had always had reservations about my behavior and the course it would eventually take. And all along I had been telling myself that I wasn’t going to let our relationship turn on like what had happened with Matt Moore back in November. This time Adrien caught me before my destructive tendencies conspired to make a disaster of things. The problem is I don’t see a problem. I’ve always been like this. I’ve always felt like no one has respected me for who I am, or for what I believe. It’s not playing the victim, as he says, it’s just being human. I think he finds fault with it when I exaggerate things to the point where they seem like major problems, so that he does think I’m playing the victim. I don’t know exactly how to put it into words.

I’ve always had a hard life. I’ve gotten accustomed to heartbreak and despair. It’s existence, after all; it has to be dealt with. And sometimes, when things build up, and get to the point where they’re no longer so easy to deal with, one becomes frustrated. I think that’s where the ostracism comes in, and where presentiments lie, and where anger and hate take place. It’s not that I hate the world, it’s that in my world view people shouldn’t have to suffer needlessly; yes, people say dumb things they don’t mean, but it hurts at the end of the day when these things sink into consciousness. It’s hard to let that die down after time. I don’t know how other people deal with it. Dr. Miller said, ‘Joe, people don’t care. You’re all alone in the world.’ I might as well not care either.

I also think it’s hard to let go of what has happened. I live things down. Yes, I lied. I cheated. I stole. I deliberately hurt people to my own advantage. I’m haunted by my past, and how it threatens the future. I think that for the most part I’m terrified of what things might surface from what has happened. There are ghosts, too. I still repent for the things that happened with certain individuals in the past. The thing is, it’s hard forgiving oneself for the things that happened. Adrien had said I couldn’t let go, and that was one of the main things that he had an issue with.

The thing is, I don’t see how I can’t. I feel I have to be a good and honest person, because I don’t want to end up being the horribly insecure person I used to be. I look at my friendship with Matt and I think, ‘I should have been more upright; I should have been more honest.’ Adrien was the first person I was really honest with, because early on he told me that he didn’t judge. I think I made the mistake of classifying him as one of those that DO judge. That of course, was wrong. I should have seen him for himself, not for what I thought he would be.

I don’t feel I need to blame this on my bipolar disorder. Yes, in some respects I feel like this disorder has had some effect on my erratic, irresponsible behavior, but I think it’s been disorganized thinking. Adrien and I had been on the rocks for some weeks now; I told him that I just refused to take my medication because I saw no need for it. ‘Adrien,’ I told him, ‘I have a support system now. I don’t need this.’ Everyone here has been so nice to me, so inclusive; they have made me feel wanted and loved. I want to spread this to others; I want to make the world a better place.

Adrien had been right all along, and maybe he was right for the right reasons. I think he saw me as playing the victim because of all the things I had mentioned in the last blog entry. Yes, homosexual culture can be vapid and dry and meaningless–but only if one sees it that way. With the way I had seen and experienced it, it had. But then I met certain people who were involved in other things, and it made the community seem like there was indeed some substance to it. Adrien had mentioned that I felt like I ‘had to be’ straight, because I had felt like there was something wrong with being gay. On the contrary I feel comfortable with who I am preference-wise, but at the same time I feel like I don’t need to understate every single one of my gay qualities. That gets old really quickly.

I think in some respects I play the victim to get attention, to make others pity me. Dr. Miller said to me, ‘Joe, this is not healthy. No one is going to pity you. You have to accept who you are.’ At the gym it does not present itself. I know what I am undertaking, and so I lift what I need to. Or I run. Either way, Chacho told me, ‘There’s no results without some pain.’ This is very true. Amado also said, ‘I’ll support you, but I won’t be easy on you. You need to do this for yourself.’ I agree with him.

Ryan had said something to me not too long ago, when we were conversing over the telephone. He said, ‘The reason why I’ve stuck around you for so much is because I felt you deserved some respect.’ He also said to me later, ‘Oh, bitch, bitch, bitch…’ He’s been very patient with me.

I do recognize that I need help. The problem is I’m not sure how to get it. I can’t see anymore doctors, for the simple reason being that I’m so in debt right now that I really have my hands tied. So I’ve decided to go without treatment for the time being. I could go to MHMR, but that would mean that I would have to be committed there for some time, which of course presents problems schoolwise.

Anyway I ended up calling Adrien on the telephone. He and I had a discussion about all of the things discussed here. He sounded like he had had enough of me. I could tell in his voice that he did. He made some rather declamatory statements toward me, saying that I was ‘bitter’ for knowing that he had money or something like that. I don’t think I’m bitter towards people who work honestly, like he does, I’m resentful towards those that DON’T work for it, to those who exploit the poor and defraud the laborer.

Knowing Adrien and his ferocious temper, I wanted to stay away from getting into a heated argument, because it wouldn’t serve us well either way. I felt like I was no longer necessary in his life, that because he had said that he had grown tired of my reckless behavior I had an obligation to leave him alone. Or at least to npt talk about how I felt around him anymore. I don’t like to cause problems, yet I had seen the course of how things eventually would work out. So, I said to him, ‘Listen. I love you and you’re the best friend I’ve ever had, but I think I need some time off to think about things and to regroup. I don’t want you to suffer at my hands anymore.’ At first he was reluctant, but then he consented rather heatedly. He said, ‘OK Joe, if that’s what you need to do then do it.’ But he made himself extra clear about whether I had made him suffer or not. ‘I’m not suffering, Joe.’

Then he hung up. I’m going to try and call him tomorrow but I’m probably sure he won’t pick up. At this juncture I’m of course very disheartened to the fact that I may not hear from him again for some time. The only thing I can do is just affirm that out of all these realizations, positive things will happen. I will be a better person for all the admonitions I’m recieving. from everyone right now. I know it’s a good thing, and that people care about me. But I think I need time to think about things. I’m not sure if at this point if things will be the same with Adrien, but I affirm that they will.

I know that I am loved, and that the power of the Adonai is with me at all times.

97

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