Minha voz, minha vida

Minha voz, minha vida
Meu segredo e minha revelação
Minha luz escondida
Minha bússola e minha desorientação
Se o amor escraviza
Mas é a única libertação
Minha voz é precisa
Vida que não é menos minha que da canção
Por ser feliz, por sofrer
Por esperar, eu canto
Prá ser feliz, prá sofrer
Para esperar eu canto
Meu amor, acredite
Que se pode crescer assim prá nós
Uma flor sem limite

Constantly Busy/Shaking and Trembling

The holiday break was excessive, considering that I basically spent most of it at home doing absolutely nothing and going crazy, and making promises, and lying to everyone, and having to deal with some very unfortunate circumstances (and some fortunate ones, as well). Needless to say, Christmas 2005 will go down as a relatively quiet, somewhat forgettable experience.

I did learn some new hymns, though. The surprising thing is that I basically had been humming it for several years, but did not know the actual title or words to the music. I thought it was something that more or less nineteenth century in its style. Maybe even akin to Schubert or Mendelssohn. So now I have learned Once in Royal David’s City, and a couple of other famous hymns. I was surprised that New Britain was left outside of this text. It may be that Amazing Grace may have a copyright, maybe not. And I finally completed a full shift to making ambient music the new focus in my musical life. I figured, ‘Well, if minimalism’s been done before, and no one’s basically writing atonal music, and everyone’s got the same musical language set, then I guess I’m going to have to stick to making electronic music for some time.’ And of course I’m content with it; I think it would be a pretty positive experience to actually make some ambient music of quality. I also discovered, during an incidental conversation with Adrien, that I have synasthesia, which Messiaen had. I guess I just didn’t really realize it up until now.

And really, I’ve basically prepped myself for this for most of my life now. I remember when I first encountered the idea of elevator music when I was a kid, and I thought then, ‘What a great idea!’ When we would go to the grocery store or a department store I always enjoyed listening to the Muzak basically because it was there. I liked the idea that there was a music that wouldn’t change and that you could play for 24 hours a day, and everyone would like it because it would appeal to them in some way. Later, I became addicted to easy listening. I think almost everyone enjoys easy listening now and then. It appeals to people in a way that is comforting and nostalgic. I remember going out to pick up Paul and picking up the easy listening station transmitting out of Corpus. Lubbock had one, I think–a Catholic radio station. On my last night in Lubbock, Ryan and I went to an old park outside of town and just walked around. We had a nice time.

As for him, I actually just got finished paying off a $300 debt I owed him, for his meritorious service to me in my time of need back in May of last year. All thoughout the season we remained in constant contact. I also have come to realize what he really wants. He’s been dying to see the progress I’ve made in working out. I promised him I would take pictures but I haven’t exactly gotten around to doing it, mainly because I’ve been so busy since I got back (I’ll describe that below). And of course we’ve talked about my upcoming trip to see him in Presidio (he’s teaching up there now). There are so many memories that are attached to him now that reality and memory seem inseperable now, as if they’ve been melded together by our relationship. We had another talk about where we stand with our life together, and judging from his responses I’m convinced of two opinions that he might have when it comes to us:

1. He says he doesn’t know where we stand; that until he himself gets his ‘life in order’ things would have to wait on that. He made some vague references to somehow having some don of clairvoyance, saying that he saw himself in a long hallway with a dresser off in some room. Aside from that, I don’t blame him for at least trying to get a grip on what’s already turned out to be a very hectic schedule.

2. He’s basically evading me, because if he says what’s really on his mind then he technically would be hurting me, and of course he wouldn’t want to do that. These were his exact words when we “broke up” last year: ‘It’s kind of hard telling someone who really cares about you that it’s a bit much.’

I really don’t know what to do anymore with Ryan. I love him so much. I want to be his one-and-only, but I’ve always known him as someone who doesn’t like his independence hindered by any amount of clinginess or excessive love, although my actions hardly qualify as that of someone who’s obsessive tendencies. I want to love him more and more because he’s lately told me that he’s lonely and doesn’t have anyone to talk to, but I also feel really uncomfortable because I’ve become more convinced that he’s just really objectifying me on the basis of my physical appearance–asking me to take pictures of me without a shirt on, for example. I don’t know what to think or believe, because I honestly do know that somewhere he has feelings for me, but they’re not on the same level that are on mine. Inevitably, I know that whatever turns out will be for the good. Other sources I’ve consulted have warned me that seperating trends are afoot that could possibly destroy what Ryan and I have. According to one astrological forecast, I could very well find myself without someone suddenly, and bad shocks are in store for me–really any kind of disagreeable surprise. I don’t know what’s going to happen. But I just hope that whatever does happen, Ryan will be my side. I think the worst things I think about sometimes are the things that might happen between us. I couldn’t bear it if Ryan suddenly was killed, and I certainly wouldn’t be able to bear the shock if he found someone else up there.

All of these thoughts are legitimate, but sometimes I think I think too much.

Anyway, I’ve basically been all to myself and very busy with classes. Today was my second day of them–I had just one new class today; and that was American History. The others include a College Algebra class (from which I was subsequently dropped and now have to add another), a really easy Spanish class, a study in the Mexican corrido and a computer class, from which I think I could greatly benefit. I don’t wish to sound presumptuous, but I think I’m going to do alot better than the losing streak I’ve experienced for the last three semesters. I have books now, and money to spend, and things, and of course emotional support, and the occasional trip home to do laundry (or rather, to have it done). I’ve basically rushed all over the place for the last two days, and I really like it. It seems like I finally have a purpose in going to school, in doing things. I like not having to rest; I like how in some ways how I’m constantly in a state of busy-ness.

I’ve actually made it a point not to eat as much as I ate over the holidays. The food served at the dining hall, to be quite honest, is disgusting. Yesterday I came in to eat and discovered that the soy sauce I used in garnishing my vegetables was filled with small, dead flies. Eddie didn’t believe me and ate a sprig. I don’t stay on like I used to and just gorge myself. I usually just eat lightly and go on my my merry way. This time I’m probably going to only have one meal a day, and that cuts it for me. I have a little snack now and then.

Anyway, I know the year will go well if I just stay focused. Things are going to be a lot better this year, the first real year of a return to normalcy for me.

Teco Teco

Teco, teco, teco teco
Teco na bola de gude
Era o meu viver
Quando criança no meio da garotada
Com a sacola do lado
Sé jogava pra valer
No fazia roupas de boneca
Nem to pouco convivia
Com as garotas do meu bairro
Que era natural
subia em postes, soltava papagaio
At meus quatorze anos
Era esse o meu mal

Com a mania de garota folgaz
Em toda parte que eu passava
Encontrava um fão
Quando havia festa na capela do lugar
Era a primeira a ser chamada para ir cantar
Assim vivendo eu vi meu nome ser falado
Em todo canto em todo lado
At por quem nunca me viu
E hoje a minha grande alegria
cantar com cortesia
Para o povo do Brasil