I presagi

I shaved this morning, because I really got tired of going to bed with that gross deeling of hair rubbing against nice clean sheets. I’ve been okay; things are good right now, class is okay and I’m doing the best I can. Although I have made some serious decisions concerning the future, and where I belong, and what’s going to happen to me. There have been good consequences that have arisen from that, and there have been not-so-good ones that have arisen from it, as well.

So I finally mustered up enough courage to ask Ryan if I meant anything to him, and of course he confirmed my worst fears when he said that he really didn’t want a relationship right now. So I guess that last little part of me that had wanted to be romantic is dead or dying off as we speak. It’s not to say that me and Ryan are permanently done being friends; I would rather have Ryan as a friend either way, because I know how good and caring he is. But all of this hasn’t ruled out that it doesn’t hurt, and of course I still feel really bad. I cried, of course, because I really wanted this to work out, and it didn’t. I’m pretty much exhausted by the whole ordeal, since I placed all my hopes for any kind of romantic happiness with him; and now that those are ‘put on hold’ for now, I basically have no willpower to go out and enjoy myself. Recently I’ve been staying in my room and just passing time away. I don’t know how to take things. I’m not angry, but I’m not sad either, I’m just hurt. I think about him almost all the time; we were supposed to see one another, but now I have had to defer those dreams to non-existence.

I don’t believe in Karma, being the good Christian that I try to be, but perhaps this is some form of restribution from on high. I know God is a loving God, and that he purifies through chastisement. I know I haven’t been the most decent or honest person lately, and that I’ve been prone to act underhandedly or otherwise make everything difficult for anyone. I feel God is now placing me through some kind of test–I don’t know how it is, but the image that has come to me is me suspended in the darkness, and a great light is above on which Our Lady of Mt. Carmel sits. Whether that image is indicative of the purgatorial state I’ve been in is disputed within me right now, however.

Because of previous choices I made in not going to class (I think this all had to do with my foray into music), I know have to make up deficient hours–18 hours. I had a college algebra class I was signed up for, but this incompetent professor decided to drop me from the aforementioned class, and I foundmyself trying to find a class to sign up for. With the little money I had left, I decided to spend it on myself, using the very last bit of it (which was supposed to go help Chuck) on food, which I’m really regretting now.

I don’t understand why all of this is happening to me, but I know somehow that inevitbly it’ll be for good. I guess I’ll just have to be hopeful in seeing what comes out.

Eclipse

Eclipse do sol no céu
Eclipse de meu coração no mar
Tudo é música; Eu sinto o ar
Eu posso ver as estrelas suspendidas na luz do dia
Mas você não é aqui com mim
Quando a sombra caiu em cima de mim
Seu coração era meu
E nosso amor era como a luz do dia
Completamente ou claridade e paz
E agora
A escuridão regra agora…
Eclipse celestial
Somente você sabe os segredos de minha alma
As paixões deste coração
Quando você se beijou, sol e lua
Você fazeram porque vocês se amavam
Eclipse, brilho para baixo em mim
Cura minha dor
Restaure a luz