Intensities and Gradations

There have immense changes within the last few weeks. It’s strange, since I would have expected for things to skid along somewhat at the same sloppy pace. But recently that has passed away into relative silence now. Things have been rearranged somewhat. People I once thought as relatively unimportant or non-essential have moved forward, others have moved back into the background of my social life. There’s even been a whole crop of new people that I’ve met recently, and even some enjoyable events.

One of the basses in the University Choir, had decided to go out with me and Tom to a local restaurant, Trevino’s, a month ago. Tom and I had been going out for a couple of days, and since money was freer then, I felt in the mood for some mole. So we went out. We began talking about the little casual things about our lives, and how everything relates to it, and we really began hitting it off. We met again for lunch the next day, and had a greater chance to talk in private. Freddy was highly impressed with me, to start off. Apparently he thinks I’m some kind of genius, or that I’m particularly gifted in some relative area of music (for which I’m not entirely sure I’m very astute at). Freddy told me he had recently come back from Iraq, and of course I knew this because he had the same Marine accent like Isaac had. So we became good friends.

The following Wednesday Freddy called me to ask if it would be possible that I might come to church with him, to which I said that I would, with my resevervations, of course. Now, I have always been open-minded to any and all religions, but my relationship with the Protestant denomination has had some…well, to be perfectly honest, it’s been there and back again. But this time, Freddy told me, I wouldn’t have any reservations at all with his church, he was absolutely sure. We arrived at this demure little house in the nearby city of Mission.

It was a fairly intimate meeting: among me and Freddy were Pastor Nick, his wife Connie, a man named Kevin and his wife and their children, and a boy named Tony, who despite his rather mature height and build, is only 14 years old. We had church in that house, and we all began with a rigourous praise-and-worship session with musical accompaniment, thanks to Tony’s guitar. The good Pastor and his wife were thoroughly impressed with my handling of Sacred Scripture, and next meeting, Kevin even endeavored to tell me about something he read concerning Tertullian.

I’ve been doing this for some weeks now, and have been getting much out of it lately. Fridays usually are reserved for evening worship, to say nothing of the jubilant celebrations on Sunday. Freddy often stays for the two services, because he likes hearing two sermons. The last time I went (which was awhile back), the Pastor gave a sensible oration on the love of God, and of course I felt somewhat reconnected to a part of myself that really hasn’t been on lately. I feel now as if God is very close to me, and we have communion among us. It’s been so far a very interesting relationship, despite some of the road blocks (like depression, etc.) that have discouraged me lately. I have discovered that no matter how bad things can get, I am proctected and loved by Almighty God.

Other things have been happening in other spheres, of course. My usual associations with the ‘Lunch Clique’ as they have been called, have ebbed. In short, I have cut almost all of my conversations with that group excepting those with Derek, Chris, Yvette, Victoria and occasionally Eddie; this afternoon was a good example. It is not that I have been hurt by them (although they have come close). I have a relatively thick skin when it comes to rejection. I know what it is. This time, however, I let my good judgement get in the way. I said to myself, ‘Am I really going to tolerate being objectified so, just for my intellectual abilities, when in reality these people don’t even want me around?’ And of course I replied to myself: ‘Of course not. You’re a much better person to become someone’s patsy. And, if anything, you’re way too sophisticated for them, anyway.’ So I cut them off. Along with a lot of other people, too. Guilt prompted me to rid myself of CJ and his Michael; others followed suit.

I’ve thought about how much I need to love myself more and stop buying or occasioning myself to other people’s love. Saying you love someone, I realize, is just as powerful as buying them some kind of gift. Love is a gift itself! But part of me said in the hinterland of my mind that I needed to show some material kind of love, that way people would accept me. But the thing was, they already did. Adrien, as always, extemporized this to me in his usual, candorous way: ‘Joe, shut up already. We all love you.’ And of course, it’s true. I see that in the church group, our ‘City Group’, as it’s called, there’s a degree of affection that hasn’t been imparted to me in a long time. Kevin and Pastor Nick love me as if I were a son to them, and I can’t tell how that feels… it feels like I have some purpose to my life; as if I’m going to actually make it. I have found in this new grouping a sense of belonging to which I had been searching for so long.

So, new friends, new opportunities. As if one choir friend wasn’t enough, Mark came into the picture. I guess I might as well start off by saying Mark is absolutely one of the nicest people I’ve met, hands down. And very handsome, too. And a great voice! I could go on. I’ve been talking to him for some time now; we talk to one another almost every night in some way (phone, Myspace.com). Our trip to Mexico (my first) was of interest. I had so much fun.

Hearing him sing “A Whole New World”, I’m fairly convinced he has a real talent for singing. And a good and humble heart, too.

Lord, to Thee my Heart I proffer…