Ins and Outs

In the last month I think I have had some real difficulties in getting settled with my life post-trip, but I think I’m headed in the right direction. People have come and gone out of it, as well as settled nicely in the whole mix, relatively. I’ve been somewhat busy doing things around the house and haven’t been able to write. But as much as this journal has become somewhat difficult to maintain because of my sheer laziness and inability to remember things, I feel I have to continue writing in order to mark out my life–to make it more tangible and demonstrable to myself.

It’s so nice talking to friends again; it seems like for the most part I’ve been talking to a couple of friends out West–mainly a guy named Rick and Jack–but I do occasionally call Adrien just to keep in touch and see how he’s doing. Other than that I talk mainly to two other people: Ryan and Peter Holyk, my Canadian friend whom I just can’t get over for some strange reason. I’m so unbelievably attracted to him, partly because he corresponds to me in terms of the same mental illness we share, and partly because he’s so good-looking. He has beautiful doe-eyes, dreamy and far-off-looking, with the color of sapphires. Unfortunately for me he’s got a boyfriend named David, who I’ve been told is very nonchalant about things, but still cares for Peter deeply, and that I cannot interfere with. As for Ryan, my communiqués with him have been brief and fleeting; usually he leaves me either so exasperated that I can’t speak to him or so frustrated at not being able to hear him say a thing while he does the dishes. I’m OK with the whole thing, though: he cost me a very dear friendship with Victor Silva, who resolved to never speak to me again because I still talked to Ryan. I guess when one makes mistakes like that, these are the consequences.

Either way it’s been somewhat desolate here at the house. No visitors. A couple of “trips back home” to see Saul Sandoval resulted in a very uncomfortable confrontation, something that I didn’t want to pursue again. I don’t know why I do these things; I should make myself much clearer next time (if there is one)! He graduates in August. I don’t know what to do. I probably won’t go. As for my own educational pursuits, I’ve had to deal with Texas Tech for a couple of weeks now in the resolution of a problem that has dogged me for two years since I left that institution–the problem of the now-infamous incident of the broken drawer. After talking to Kathryn Quilliam, the Ombudsman for the University, I expect that this sad little chapter in my life come to an appropriate close. It will be my last tie broken with the University, as the other ties have now been broken withal–friends don’t even remember me now–and I am at peace with it. I have been through so much.

But I guess it begs the question as to whether I should go back to school right now. I feel like I need to–for sanity’s sake–as this past year here “on break” has been absolutely the worst thing I have ever undertaken. The calmness and security of the house, with all its memories and loves, must pass away for new things to take place. I don’t have any money right now, and I’m trying so desperately to solve that problem. I keep on applying for jobs but nothing comes through. It’s so frustrating doing the things that we need to do, but I feel in some way that I am undergoing a time of retributions and setbacks for the life I previously led.

I am going to have to try much harder. It is so much more difficult than what I expected.