Notations/Invective

Staying up this late causes one to think about certain circumstances that wouldn’t normally bother a person on a regular basis. I was reading about John Cage tonight, whom I love and consider myself very close to artistically and philosophically. Unfortunately there are people who, despite all of the wonderful things he helped to bring about, disregard his life and his work as trash, not being very meaningful at all. While I can’t change the opinion of the snide few who prefer the purist view of music appreciation and theory, it gives me pause to wonder why someone would hate just one person, on account of what that person makes. Still more troubling is the fact that John was such a wonderful person personally; it makes no sense to attack Cage personally, since he probably was the most humble, sincere, and amiable man among a group of individuals who strove most of their lives to separate themselves from the status quo. John did the opposite. He mingled with people in such a way, that it was easy to take his brilliance and magnanimity for granted. It serves very little purpose, therefore, to direct the anger at one’s own ignorance for not understanding something, at a person who does not deserve and did not deserve it in the first place.

My life isn’t filled with sorrow or pain, but it’s been punctuated with it. The days are good for awhile, and then worries and sadnesses creep in, followed by dark nights, when the world seems stuck and refuses to move. The thoughts are loud and continuous, one can’t get away from them. I seem to be headed that way now–I can see the darkness looming up ahead in my mind, and I am fighting to get away from it, but to no avail. I feel like my life is a nightmare that I can’t wake up from; a still, oppressive place where I’m doing the same repetitive tasks over and over, for absolutely nothing. I am terrified of the pain, but I know it’s back there, just waiting to rear its ugly head at me. All I want to do is wake up and go back to school, and finally rid myself of the bitterness that has plagued me this last year.

As for the bitterness itself it is manifestly both a good and a bad thing. One can obviously imagine the bad things that come from being embittered. But at the same time, I feel a great sense of reality, a clarity that permeates existence: in it, I can see what others cannot, laugh at what others would find serious, and take seriously what others would find trivial. At the same time, things are much more timeless now, as if they somehow came into existence almost accidentally, and that Eternity is right before me, beckoning to me. I know that it isn’t nihilism, either, as God is alive to me–but perhaps He is no longer alive in the beliefs I once had (organized religion).

There will be many many opportunities for me in the future. I will not rest, as I affirm by Almighty God, until I have done what I am called to do. I am sure to lose many friends and gain many more in the process. I have to remember what my responsibilities are, and to adhere to them fervently until I can gain what is promised for me.