Hurricane/Birthday

This past week was harrowing. First came Hurricane Dolly, the aftermath much worse than we originally anticipated. I am one year older, one year wiser, one year less sure of myself and more sure of uncertainty ahead. I feel miserable. The weather is oppressive, especially now that the two great chinaberry trees that once graced the backyard are now just mud covered stumps. And above that is a hot milky blue sky, unforgiving, washed out by the heat and humidity. For a whole week now we have been without cable TV, the electricity flickering dimming when we do laundry, the night air filled with the stench of foul-smelling mud and buzzing, disease-carrying mosquitoes. I completely forgot the day after the hurricane hit was my birthday, and spent most of it picking up branches and laying them out in the street, up to my ankles in mud and dead branches. 

Our house relatively survived the onslaught of the storm. Screens were blown away from the windows and tossed into the neighbor’s yard. The streets flooded and the water went as high as the sidewalk (we are high up off the street), but did not come any further than that. The rest of the evening we lit candles and ate meagerly. Most everything of the little we had in the refrigerator spoiled and had to be thrown out. Consequently, by Thursday night there was little left to eat. Paul’s girlfriend CJ, by reason of a distressing situation at her parents’ house, came to stay with us and brought food on Friday. Scott, having already sent me as much assistance as anybody could want or need, graciously sent $100 to me, which I bought groceries with. Now Mom doesn’t have to worry about not having food in the house for the beginning of August, which I bless and praise Almighty God for. This month was unreasonably long in its duration, it seemed. However we are not out of the woods yet: this past week my aunt, angry at her not being paid by my little brother ($200 for a contribution to his bond) called in anonymously to the police, informing them that CJ was here at our house, and asking that Paul be put back in jail. She called on me at an early hour to yell and complain (like she does whenever she feels cheated out of money) saying that my own Mother is irresponsible and careless. However I know exactly why she did what she did–she has done this before with people who make the mistake of asking her for money–and in this situation she not only used her cunning to frighten and fatigue my mother (who has enough things to worry about) but malice, to intimidate and threaten like the lawlyer she is, not only me, my mother and Paul but also CJ as well, who has done absolutely nothing to hinder Paul’s legal defense. Lennard, naturally, is concerned over the legality of the situation, but she has nowhere to go. And I can’t let her leave, no matter how much my aunt protests. Needless to say, we all have not been on speaking terms with her since this all began. 

Now that the summer is over I need to start thinking what I’ll be doing with myself in the fall. I am so desperate to get back into school this spring. I am not sure of what to do, but either I am going for an option of continuing education with an online university or moving away, the other good solution, to a place outside of the area, or continuing education here. This is partially based on nostalgia, and partially based on desperation, the driving cause, it seems, which usually pushes me in the right direction. I went to the Travel Information Center with CJ and there I found some brochures all about the Big Bend. I am now looking forward to moving there, God willing. I have put off so much and now things just can’t be helped. What I do not want is to have a situation where I am simply depending on others for assistance, as in past situations (namely with Ryan), where I did nothing afterwards. And it is so easy to be simply lazy that it’s infuriating.

I must admit that I’m still pretty wet behind the ears at life. I can profess nothing but what I have taught myself, and to paraphrase a piece by Peter Garland, “I have had to learn the simplest things last.” 

I don’t think I’m meant for an intellectual crowd. I can’t discuss philosophy or religion (people are just calling it belief nowadays), but I think I can hold something up in terms of just talking things out. I’m glad I don’t have the disadvantage of living in a large city because there are so many people who live their entire lives in enclosed spaces, with enclosed ideas and images, things they read in magazines, or learn from their “insider” friends, or something like that. Peter was all about that and it got tiring and frustrating just attempting to relate to something that hermetic. I used to think that hermeticism was a good thing to have, but I am beginning to discover its drawbacks. 

I miss Cameron. I miss talking to him late at night, when he was bored and couldn’t sleep, and when I was just being silly, looking for someone to talk to late at night. He was so much better than, say talking to Ryan (and I am missing our late night conversations, badly). The schedule was good for a couple of weeks: late afternoon calls to Scott (now they are planning sessions and Q & A), and then Cameron (someone more local, someone I could possibly spend money on). I haven’t seen him since Monday last, when he signed into Meebo for a short while to apologize for not calling me on my birthday, when the reality was I had no phone service and practically forgot about it. He told me he thought I was awesome and that he was sorry for not being more open. Then, calling me sir (I hate that term), he said he had to leave. I haven’t seen him since. I hope this isn’t an epilogue because he has become just the best friend a boy like me could have. Most of my friends now live in other parts of the US (Scott is local in the down-home sort of way). Ah, the liabilities of having the Internet as a means of social communication.

And never mind that 90% of this entire region is completely isolated from the rest of Texas–not even the snobby startup businessman on my Twitter could give a damn where I lived in Texas–even though I live in practically the same state as he, speaking perfectly good college-level English, for that matter. There is so much prejudice living here–not racial, or ethnic, but rather socioeconomic and technological–Texas is a wonderful place to live and work, but believe it or not, there are so many things wrong with just a handful of people who make the decisions, cast aspersions and judgments, make incorrect assumptions, based on the socioeconomic history of a people in a certain region. And this guy on my Twitter is a prime example of that “irrational exuberance” we were warned about in the 90s which has now has become the bane of socioeconomic progress. It is a very serious cultural problem we have to now deal with, and I’m afraid I don’t think we have all the answers for a solution right now. When someone not local asks me what I listen to, and I say the names of various artists and composers, a couple of them laugh and are astonished, and some have that puzzled look to their faces: “I thought it was all Tejano down here.” No, it is not all Tejano down here. This thing has bugged me for the last couple of months and I’ve been meaning to write about it in depth for awhile. Now, in the early morning hours, it seems appropriate to do so. I just wish I could have someone to listen to me while I discuss it.