Update

I’ve been without internet service for awhile. Hurricane Ike was not to blame. Instead, my little brother’s excessive and unwarranted cell phone use was the cause.

CJ and Paul have been alright. Things are bad here. Our bills are high and I am doing the best I can to bring them down. Still I have to say I have a lot of disappointment in myself for not trying harder. And inasmuch as I want to take a long vacation, I do not think that will be a possibility for some time.

Cameron is gone now, for good, sadly. It was of his own volition and I do not hold it against him. I was in love with him and it constituted three glorious months of absolute bliss, the first time I had feelings for someone other than Ryan. He wrote me a long, beautiful, letter that I got to read in church (I am still singing for Henry). It ruined my Sunday and depressed me for the entire week, but I feel better knowing that somehow I’ll eventually get to see him again.

I talk every day to Scott now on the telephone or at least send him an e-mail. He’s become a best friend and a mentor and a confidante. He makes my life better just by knowing that not all of it is bad–there are good things, like my iBook, gay porn, candy, and good music. I would like to share a chelada with him someday. I think he is the only person who absolutely has 100% faith in my ability to overcome unfortunate situations.

As the Chinese say, “slowly one treads over vipers and coals”. Victory, in sweet Jesus’ name, is near. My mom is tired, sometimes depressed, but valiant. “You need to do more,” she says, and inside it hurts, but I’ve gotten so used to it now. In the gym the pain becomes your best friend. All you do is set it aside and see where it takes you. I am still confident I will make it to Sul Ross, even though now it seems so far away.

I’ve begun performing in public again, with Sergio and Blanca, two Mexican virtuosi, one an accomplished pianist and the other a soprano with a flair for the dramatic (niece of the famed composer Julian Carillo, whom John Cage mentioned early in the 50s as a pioneer of microtonality)–and the Ensemble Euterpe from Reynosa, performing alongside the popular classics music by Revueltas, Piazzola and Alois Haba.

I’m almost close to completing 12 Melodies for Carillon, done in a style reminiscent of early American hymnody and thoroughly tonal. When I began to compose it I was so taken aback that I was writing in a key with melody I had to slap myself. They all have their own distinct hymnodic names, e.g., Cherry Grove, New Providence, &c. Berio said we must either make amends with the past or completely forget it. I am trying to make a direct effort to make amends with the past, especially my own, in relation to the Border and to my own love for American music.

I remember Miss Celie in The Color Purple saying “I may be poor, black and even ugly, but dear God, I’m still alive.” I may be poor, overgrown, unshaven, gaining weight, and in the most remote part of Texas, but dear God, I’m still alive and working towards a good end.