Rampjaar

It’s windy outside. Outside the branches of the trees, bare by now, are being whipped around by a strong southeast wind. One can see their tops with the little foliage they have left swaying in the blue sky.

I decided I wasn’t going to take any telephone calls for today, and with good reason. I am still sick, having suffered from a bad case of indigestion caused by too much holiday food, which I am now paying for with a disagreeable demeanor and repeated trips to the bathroom. I also feel, emotionally speaking, much to bitter to talk to anyone, as even watching television arouses bitter sensations in me. I am more concerned about my bills and how I am to pay for them, unfortunately.

I do thank the Lord for His Graciousness to me, as was evidenced by this Christmas, which was, thank God, much more agreeable in temperament than the ones preceding, although a part of me still longs for cold weather and gray skies. This year has been the warmest I have ever seen. I now indeed worry whether the world is coming to an end, and whether or not we are the direct culprits, as I have reason to believe.

My family congregated yesterday to exchange gifts. I received a small CD case, which I will put to good use, being that I have CDs laying out without a case, and a shirt, and some German lemon cookies, which despite the protestations of my brother, I have enjoyed. I gave, with the help of a friend, two sets of pearls–one set golden, the other black. My mother loves black pearls, and has told me she wishes to make two pearl earrings from the strand. The strand itself is long, so I think one or two pearls taken from the strand will not ruin the whole set.

Recent perusals into the life of Johannes Vermeer has caused me to apply a Dutch term to the events of this year: I am steadily convinced that this year, like 1672, was a rampjaar, a disaster year. For not only did I see the death of my grandfather, who was as a father to me, but the many financial difficulties postulated by the death itself, as well as a continuance of the problems I have had with my brother, and once, with my mother. I do not know if perhaps this will ever change, but I feel like it needs to, and soon, for I do not know what I will do if I continue to live here. I have so many ambitions to be on my own again, and I feel like I am pressed to relieve myself of the bondage of this house. I just hope it can happen soon.