Retrouvailles/In Retrospect

I will keep brief tonight, as there is not much I wish to say concerning the end of this year; however, I feel it is important to review the year and take stock of its significance in the rendering of my life. Much will be said of this year and its various calamities–what has been said, what has been done, what has not been done–but what we have learned is of such great importance that it renders all else superfluous.

This year, along with the year 2006, constituted the two worst years of my life so far. It was filled with heartache, worry, agony, sadness, scandal, debt, blood and death. I attempted suicide twice this year, and thought about it almost constantly. My laziness and refusal to help myself only made things considerably worse over time. Relationships suffered because of my refusal to take responsibility for myself. And when a quick fix became one week of the worst work I have ever endured, it became a hard lesson to accept, something that only made things considerably worse after times. My relationship with my boyfriend came to an end in the most cold and clear way this year, making me embittered but realistic. But I will say for my own part that I thank God for this year, as it was a time of reorientation for me, a straightening in my path. Things perhaps did not pan out as I planned them to be externally speaking, but internally, I was put before the fire and the long process of purification began. Pride became humility. Fear became courage and strength. Delusion became reality, and ultimately, I changed in a way that will forever shape who I am and how I see things. If all of this is not true, then either I am a liar and a deciever, or the most insane and foolish person in the whole world.

I have learned what suffering is. I have drunk it to the dregs. It is a terrible, painful experience that belies mere emotions. It is all consuming, it soaks into the very elements of Nature. Yet, while it is horrible to behold and much more horrible to experience, it refines; it eliminates the impurities of the soul and makes one aware of the unfound senses. It takes a person out of the material, insignificant concerns of the world and places him in the presence of the Eternal. I have experienced loss. Everything that meant the world to me was taken away and I was left to determine what I was to do with myself. Now, however, I am stronger, smarter, faster, and more responsible. There is no sense in clinging to that which is in itself insignificant and useless. I have cut the ties, and there is no one to stop me.

No longer will there be times in which I feel useless, as I am determined for my own wellbeing and that of my family, to do what I can to ensure my usefulness and happiness and success in all my endeavors. I am compelled to do this; I have no choice. We either eat or do not eat, and I will not see us starve and go hungry as a result of my inability to accept essential responsibilities. I will not be deprived, similarly, of the privileges entitled to me, of which my poor self esteem is solely to blame from me taking what is rightfully mine.. Liberty, and all of its blessings, are derived from the responsibility of the person given such a privilege; there can be no irresponsibilities with freedom–freedom without reason is anarchy, and who would want that? I can only blame myself for not trying harder, which is something I am guilty of doing, especially in this case.

Binding to myself all that I know to be Sacred and True, I swear by Almighty and Ever-living God that I will do, with His gracious assistance, whatever I can to better myself, at whatever cost, to end this awful suffering and regain what is rightfully mine. No longer will I endeavor to not bind myself to the care of my selfish desires, but to the success, health, and happiness of me and my family. I will go back to college, in a place of my choosing, for my own benefit. I will ensure that these two years never happen again, and that everything I do from now on will be to that effect, so help me God.

Notations/Invective

Staying up this late causes one to think about certain circumstances that wouldn’t normally bother a person on a regular basis. I was reading about John Cage tonight, whom I love and consider myself very close to artistically and philosophically. Unfortunately there are people who, despite all of the wonderful things he helped to bring about, disregard his life and his work as trash, not being very meaningful at all. While I can’t change the opinion of the snide few who prefer the purist view of music appreciation and theory, it gives me pause to wonder why someone would hate just one person, on account of what that person makes. Still more troubling is the fact that John was such a wonderful person personally; it makes no sense to attack Cage personally, since he probably was the most humble, sincere, and amiable man among a group of individuals who strove most of their lives to separate themselves from the status quo. John did the opposite. He mingled with people in such a way, that it was easy to take his brilliance and magnanimity for granted. It serves very little purpose, therefore, to direct the anger at one’s own ignorance for not understanding something, at a person who does not deserve and did not deserve it in the first place.

My life isn’t filled with sorrow or pain, but it’s been punctuated with it. The days are good for awhile, and then worries and sadnesses creep in, followed by dark nights, when the world seems stuck and refuses to move. The thoughts are loud and continuous, one can’t get away from them. I seem to be headed that way now–I can see the darkness looming up ahead in my mind, and I am fighting to get away from it, but to no avail. I feel like my life is a nightmare that I can’t wake up from; a still, oppressive place where I’m doing the same repetitive tasks over and over, for absolutely nothing. I am terrified of the pain, but I know it’s back there, just waiting to rear its ugly head at me. All I want to do is wake up and go back to school, and finally rid myself of the bitterness that has plagued me this last year.

As for the bitterness itself it is manifestly both a good and a bad thing. One can obviously imagine the bad things that come from being embittered. But at the same time, I feel a great sense of reality, a clarity that permeates existence: in it, I can see what others cannot, laugh at what others would find serious, and take seriously what others would find trivial. At the same time, things are much more timeless now, as if they somehow came into existence almost accidentally, and that Eternity is right before me, beckoning to me. I know that it isn’t nihilism, either, as God is alive to me–but perhaps He is no longer alive in the beliefs I once had (organized religion).

There will be many many opportunities for me in the future. I will not rest, as I affirm by Almighty God, until I have done what I am called to do. I am sure to lose many friends and gain many more in the process. I have to remember what my responsibilities are, and to adhere to them fervently until I can gain what is promised for me.

Rampjaar

It’s windy outside. Outside the branches of the trees, bare by now, are being whipped around by a strong southeast wind. One can see their tops with the little foliage they have left swaying in the blue sky.

I decided I wasn’t going to take any telephone calls for today, and with good reason. I am still sick, having suffered from a bad case of indigestion caused by too much holiday food, which I am now paying for with a disagreeable demeanor and repeated trips to the bathroom. I also feel, emotionally speaking, much to bitter to talk to anyone, as even watching television arouses bitter sensations in me. I am more concerned about my bills and how I am to pay for them, unfortunately.

I do thank the Lord for His Graciousness to me, as was evidenced by this Christmas, which was, thank God, much more agreeable in temperament than the ones preceding, although a part of me still longs for cold weather and gray skies. This year has been the warmest I have ever seen. I now indeed worry whether the world is coming to an end, and whether or not we are the direct culprits, as I have reason to believe.

My family congregated yesterday to exchange gifts. I received a small CD case, which I will put to good use, being that I have CDs laying out without a case, and a shirt, and some German lemon cookies, which despite the protestations of my brother, I have enjoyed. I gave, with the help of a friend, two sets of pearls–one set golden, the other black. My mother loves black pearls, and has told me she wishes to make two pearl earrings from the strand. The strand itself is long, so I think one or two pearls taken from the strand will not ruin the whole set.

Recent perusals into the life of Johannes Vermeer has caused me to apply a Dutch term to the events of this year: I am steadily convinced that this year, like 1672, was a rampjaar, a disaster year. For not only did I see the death of my grandfather, who was as a father to me, but the many financial difficulties postulated by the death itself, as well as a continuance of the problems I have had with my brother, and once, with my mother. I do not know if perhaps this will ever change, but I feel like it needs to, and soon, for I do not know what I will do if I continue to live here. I have so many ambitions to be on my own again, and I feel like I am pressed to relieve myself of the bondage of this house. I just hope it can happen soon.