Blood and Water

In the last week or so I completed an out of the blue chamber work entitled Heath, written surreptitiously in honor of the recently deceased actor–and while the actual piece dealt little with the emotions of the appropriate Requiem his passing elicits, I believe it to be a fitting expression of the harmonic and compositional methods I have come up for myself. I was partially influenced by John Cage’s beautiful Quartets I-VIII, a little known and little performed piece from the late 1970s, entirely composed of snatches of harmony from early American hymns. At the same time I also employed some of the instrumentation of Morton Feldman’s music–spare, concise yet somewhat mysterious–as well as the native harmony of South Texas, and my very own pentatonic scale.

Today my little brother turned 21, and he celebrated his nativity with due éclat: he sat all day in the living room, and later on dined on his own chocolate cake. My mother bought him a PlayStation 2, with a couple of games, as a treat for convalescing from his recent surgery, as well as assisting us here. He cannot move–doing so for long periods of time causes him to faint–and therefore he spent the majority of today, as well as the weekend, playing his video games and enjoying himself, which I am actually surprised and gratified to see him do, since he worries much about us, quite needlessly.

I shall, within the span of a few weeks, be taking a trip, partly to relieve my exasperation–a year built up already of frustrating experiences–and also to inquire about the possibilities of school in a place other than home, in the fall. I have saved up some money and am aiming to get out of this town and the region the week of February 25. While I said I wanted to take advantage to visit other friends, I will not, for reasons well-known to them, but I will manage to say hello. I have too many people I talk to as it is–one of them I have tired of so much so that seeing him online I feel depressed every time he talks about his semi-professional boyfriend and their travels all over the country, seeing things, drinking and continuously cheating on one another. My one friend in Sweetwater, Texas, having recently moved there, pledged his support, and I am happy for it. This is the first time I have had such a person in my life, that would pay attention to me so presciently. I definitely need to start paring down on the people I talk to, since I have discovered the lot of them are just there for show, and not necessarily for anything else.

I am still conflicted about my willingness to see Ryan, though that is a routine sentiment, and nothing new to me. I am not too altogether concerned whether anything will develop between us at all anymore. Part of me is thankful, in a way, in knowing that I am not in love with him anymore. For that, I know, things are definitely headed in the right way.

How I long to see mountains in the early evening, with the broad yellow sunlight alighting and forming silohuettes of broad rocky curves in the clear sky. I want to see the road, have the sensation of movement, almost perpetual, the sweet air of the desert, and the starry sky. And most of all, I want to be able to be free from concerns for just one week, to conduct myself in relative silence and quietude for that one week, away from the criticisms of peers, rivals and family, and to experience the unique blessings of adulthood by myself.

Retrouvailles/In Retrospect

I will keep brief tonight, as there is not much I wish to say concerning the end of this year; however, I feel it is important to review the year and take stock of its significance in the rendering of my life. Much will be said of this year and its various calamities–what has been said, what has been done, what has not been done–but what we have learned is of such great importance that it renders all else superfluous.

This year, along with the year 2006, constituted the two worst years of my life so far. It was filled with heartache, worry, agony, sadness, scandal, debt, blood and death. I attempted suicide twice this year, and thought about it almost constantly. My laziness and refusal to help myself only made things considerably worse over time. Relationships suffered because of my refusal to take responsibility for myself. And when a quick fix became one week of the worst work I have ever endured, it became a hard lesson to accept, something that only made things considerably worse after times. My relationship with my boyfriend came to an end in the most cold and clear way this year, making me embittered but realistic. But I will say for my own part that I thank God for this year, as it was a time of reorientation for me, a straightening in my path. Things perhaps did not pan out as I planned them to be externally speaking, but internally, I was put before the fire and the long process of purification began. Pride became humility. Fear became courage and strength. Delusion became reality, and ultimately, I changed in a way that will forever shape who I am and how I see things. If all of this is not true, then either I am a liar and a deciever, or the most insane and foolish person in the whole world.

I have learned what suffering is. I have drunk it to the dregs. It is a terrible, painful experience that belies mere emotions. It is all consuming, it soaks into the very elements of Nature. Yet, while it is horrible to behold and much more horrible to experience, it refines; it eliminates the impurities of the soul and makes one aware of the unfound senses. It takes a person out of the material, insignificant concerns of the world and places him in the presence of the Eternal. I have experienced loss. Everything that meant the world to me was taken away and I was left to determine what I was to do with myself. Now, however, I am stronger, smarter, faster, and more responsible. There is no sense in clinging to that which is in itself insignificant and useless. I have cut the ties, and there is no one to stop me.

No longer will there be times in which I feel useless, as I am determined for my own wellbeing and that of my family, to do what I can to ensure my usefulness and happiness and success in all my endeavors. I am compelled to do this; I have no choice. We either eat or do not eat, and I will not see us starve and go hungry as a result of my inability to accept essential responsibilities. I will not be deprived, similarly, of the privileges entitled to me, of which my poor self esteem is solely to blame from me taking what is rightfully mine.. Liberty, and all of its blessings, are derived from the responsibility of the person given such a privilege; there can be no irresponsibilities with freedom–freedom without reason is anarchy, and who would want that? I can only blame myself for not trying harder, which is something I am guilty of doing, especially in this case.

Binding to myself all that I know to be Sacred and True, I swear by Almighty and Ever-living God that I will do, with His gracious assistance, whatever I can to better myself, at whatever cost, to end this awful suffering and regain what is rightfully mine. No longer will I endeavor to not bind myself to the care of my selfish desires, but to the success, health, and happiness of me and my family. I will go back to college, in a place of my choosing, for my own benefit. I will ensure that these two years never happen again, and that everything I do from now on will be to that effect, so help me God.